Evil, Loss, Discord... all wonderful things surround me...

Well I thought my life was already at it's worst and only blue skies would be up ahead... but again life threw me a curve.
I look back at some of the most recent posts on here and realized I've been bitching too much and not dealing too well.

My Grandmother just died.

I thought dealing with bad dates was one thing, but no matter how hard I've tried to prepare for this day... I wasn't ready.
I don't think I'm still ready and she's been passed on for about a month almost now.

Right before Thanksgiving She started acting funny, I mean she always acts funny in the afternoons because that's when she starts drinking.
And maybe if it weren't for her need to drink every single day I might've noticed something a miss earlier. But as it turned out I didn't think anything til one night I found her passed out on the floor.

I thought she'd finally reached her depths of darkness but when I woke her up and told her to go to bed she didn't give her usual response. Normally when I caught her passed out on the couch she'd get all pissy when I woke her and declare she'd never been asleep at all. She was a true Scot, I'll say. But that night she was all confused and apologetic, it was weird.
The next day she'd stayed in bed til I woke up at ten a.m. She was always awake by 5:30 in the morning and what was weird was she couldn't get out of bed. I ended up having to basically help her step by step to get to the couch and that was only after I'd helped her go to the bathroom.

I kept thinking she'd had a mini-series of strokes but really I was just worried. It wasn't til that night I'd called her doctor because it was very apparent that she wasn't thinking on all capacities.

Well she found out and asked me if I was worried about her and I told her yes. I told her that I thought that she'd had a series of small strokes and she said nothing but after an hour... I'd left my bedroom door open so she could call to me if she needed help and that's when she called out, "Sweetheart I think you're right."
I knew she was agreeing with me but I had no real idea what to do and the doctors told me it was a waste to bring her in when so much time had passed til the actual stroke had probably occured.

The next day my Uncle and I half-carried and well...half-carried her to the doctors where they said promptly that she needed to go into the hospital.

We got her in and found out she'd had pnuemonia and sepis of the blood. And I freaked but I knew that pnuemonia was a curable disease so I told them to help her all they could.
I actually felt like this was going to help and she would get better...only two days after they gave her the medicine they told me that she would never live without some form of life support.
It broke my heart, really. I mean my grandmother was a fighter but she was always a believer in not hanging on by artificial means and to never be a burden to her family.
The day before Thanksgiving my Uncle and I sat with her as they pulled the tubes out and pumped her full of morphine. I cried then, sobbed really. But I couldn't stand it, the staring at her decrepit body, limbs full of fluid, her hair needed to be dyed and she was screwing her face up in pain.
So we stayed half an hour and said goodbye to my grandmother and then went home.
Selfishly we went home because...well at least I couldn't stand to stay there and watch her go.
She passed two hours later and I spent Thanksgiving alone.

I have spent a lot of time alone really, and at first it was terrible. But I've gotten used to it a little now and kinda like it, but I am still too far disordered by bipolar to really live alone and care for myself.
Thank God my uncle has agreed to come stay with me.

As for the title(If I keep it the same before I edit and post), I lived outside of Sedona, Az. along time ago, and followed an alternative religion. It's called Wicca.
Anyways, I studied Wicca for about seven years and became proficient in many forms of divination. Numerology and palmistry being one of them. Also liked Horoscopes but I couldn't get the handle of sidereal time. Anyways they said that there were different colored auras for different signs. Mine was Gold center with an outer black ring.
The yellow meant charm, attractiveness, mediation, and persuasion. But the black stands for Evil, Loss, and Discord and is what surrounds my life.
Cheery huh?