Turning a New Chapter in my Life...Again...AND SPECTOR WTF YOU THINKING???WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT"S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE???

Well you know me, or for the people reading this, you don't but it seemed like a great openerl. Anyways I am not one to put up with someone elses head trips for very long, and I bounce back quick. Poor schmuch didn't know that while we were dating there were eleven other guys vying for my attention. I knew on Friday when he ignored me that things were going South. That night I felt ignored and lost, so I took one of the guys up on his offer to go out on a date. I didn't sleep with him cuz technically I was still with Anthony. But it did cheer me up and make me feel good that at least somebody wanted to be around my company. That I wasn't a leper to him. The date went great but then Anthony pulled his headtrips again and actually tried to blame them on me(see previous blog to understand full story) I was actually blaning myself for them at the time. Like I really was the person tripping out. Til I told the whole story to another guy I knew, and he said that he thought that Anthony was the one acting like the teenage drama queen. So I've ignored his texts, sent him a nasty email, flagged him on OKC, and wrote a scathing journal on OKC about a number of guys who were writing false things about themselves on their profile to allure chicks in then pull the same bullshit on them. And of course I included Anthony's profile. But there have been so many guy's that have lied and all about different shit. One guy said he wanted a long term commitment and even went so far as to say I was the one but when I wouldn't "Put out" he never called me again. Then ther was the guy who put on his profile about how successful he was an owned his own house. Forgot to mention he lived with four other guys all in their early twenties and he's like 31 without a job OR A CAR I might add. We spent a boring day getting on each others nerves and he never calls for like three months and then shows up today asking why I never talk to him anymore. Then there is the psycho stalker from Amsterdam who after talking on email for a week and I realize he lives in another continent I give up talking to him realizing it's never going to work out but he demands I start to say I am HIS DIRTY GIRL...AS IF!! I belong to NO ONE and certainly am not anyone's DIRTY GIRL
Then there is Anthony, Says he is Straight Forward, Honest, And forthright, yet he never talked to me without me talking to him first. Gave vague replies when asked about anything, and became overly defensive when I asked why he didn't respond to any of my texts or calls for two days. Hmmmm, Yeah these are real winning guys I guess.

On a political note... WHAT THE FUCK SPECTOR....Did you fall on your head and forget what peace of reconciliation process you yourself once did to negoiate in peaceful process???
SIGH Mean are stupid for the most part(BUT NOT ALL MEN, PLEASE READ THIS AND KNOW WHO YOU ARE, JUST A LARGE MAJORITY OF THE PLANET ARE IDIOTS AND YOU"LL BE THE ONES TO GET OFFENDED BY THIS STATEMENT!! )

Sweeping into a real deep Depression, even if its over a stupid guy...

I thought I was over getting all worked up over men. Especially after I left the last one alone. Apparently it wasn't just the last one, it's either all guys that work me up...or maybe it is just me. I'm fairly certain it's me. A little over a week ago, I met a guy online(yes, online) at the dating site I'm on and he seemed damn near perfect for me. He initiated the contact after he saw I was caring for my Grandmother, he too, was caring for members of his family and liked that I was family oriented. So we met and connected well. We had great conversation and great sex(that's important too) we shared common goals and morals. There seemed to be only one drawback, he worked, a lot. So we kept in contact nearly everyday by text message. We laughed and flirted and talked all the time and so it seemed to go very well. Time went by and I started to get antsy and wanted to see him again. His days off were Thursday and Friday. Thursday, he had to work but we were supposed to see each other Friday. So We talked Friday in the afternoon and the last thing he said was, in response to me saying "Will you be able to see me?" "Def. I'm gonna take a nap and I'll see you later" that was the last I heard from him that day. I called around, I think five or six, thinking he'd gotten enough sleep. It rang a couple times, sounded like it picked up and then hung up. So I tried back and it rang a couple times then was sent to voicemail. So I left it alone and went about doing other stuff, thought nothing of it. A couple hours later I sent him a text and got no response, went back about thirty minutes later and called him it rang about four times and was sent to voicemail again. Still thought nothing of it and got on the internet. Then about nine p.m. I called again and it rang once and was sent to voicemail. I started to get suspicious by then especially when it had rang more than once earlier before getting sent to voicemail. But still, I tried to remain openminded because I knew some people (like me) could hit the ignore button or end button in their sleep and automatically send someone to voicemail without waking up. Well I tried one more time at ten p.m. and it rang twice then went to voicemail. I stopped trying after that. The next day he said he'd slept all day and went to work that night but I didn't get it, I mean if he went to work wouldn't he have answered my texts or called me? I mean the last voicemail AND text I left said I was pulling an all nighter so he could call or text me at anytime and he never did til the next day! But he swore that was all that happened. But that day I logged on to the dating site I met him on it said he'd logged on right after he'd texted me to say he was going to nap! I let it go, but then today I logged on to answer the messages I'd not answered that day(yeah I'll admit that day I was checking up on him but by that time it was nine p.m. and I was suspicious) and so I thought I'd check up on him(yeah I was still suspicious) and it'd said he had logged on this morning right after he'd supposedly just gotten off work...okay so I confront him with it. I said I don't know if I even had the right to be angry, I didn't know what to feel. Now he just(we're in the middle of the argument) acted like psychology says a classically guilty person does, acts overly defensive. But I can't say he is exactly because when I am confronted I get overly defensive and he is a lot like me... but the frustrating thing is when I first told him about this he was busy and took time to answer and I tried to turn to my friends, they all said they were going to bed or...said sorry Just got you're message and I have to go hope all is well talk to you later! (All I said was 'Can you talk?'). And even though I've stayed calm and tried to make him see he just "LMAO" and called me a high schooler. Well stay tuned, hopefully my next blog will have something happier.

Anxiety, Depression and Apathy...And what about those TEABAGGERS??

It seems that lately I have been struggling more with apathy, anxiety and depression. Apathy to do anything of really substance in my life at the moment, Anxiety about where I am going and what will become of me if I finally manage to accomplish my dream, and depression...well depression just seems to follow the other two. I am hoping that I will conquer these feelings today and end up making something of my book.
For those of you who don't know, I am writing a book. I've been working on it since last year and it seems that this third draft is the one that is going to work. I have an ear to lay most of my work on by the Published Horror writer that has taken an interest in my work. Lately I have only heard praise from him, which troubles me but I did get a lot of constructive advice from him in the beginning to really help me shape my story.
Right now I am really in a tangle with my writing, wanting to keep all the original chapters in the book but having to incorporate new chapters as my book wasn't long enough. This having to write new chapters has forced me to take my book to another direction and ended up creating tangles of twisted plots and mini plots. So now I think I am going to have to pretty much scrap the original plot and redesign the story to fit my new path of thought. I am hoping to get to working on what is now the sixth chapter in my book today. I don't know right now though because I feel the ebbs and flows of depression and anxiety wearing on me. Maybe I just need more caffeine.

Now onto my politics rant for the day, TEABAGGERS. It confuses me as someone commented on one of my other journals that both sides will seek to tax and cut to their overall party. Neither is different from the other in that they have certain departments and income levels they tax and spend the most money for. But that is for another blog altogether. As I've noticed lately there is a growing group of people who are against the taxes that have been helping to stimulate the economy and help the lower classes gain an edge. It seems unfair that those who have the money are too stingy to help those who do not have money, to grow. I admit that the teabaggers strike is neat and cool, especially since we're seeing a revolt akin to the real Tea throwing party of 1700's. The sad thing is, is that in most democratic societies the rich believe it is their DUTY to support growth programs that stimulate help for the under privileged. Here though I see the upper middle class, mortgaged, debted on credit to the max, and have not thought forward to the paying back of those debts. Now they're complaining because they have those things that they decided not to pay cash for, have the ability to pay the debts they've racked up and still manage their finances, but yet they don't want to help those that NEED money the most!
It reminds me of a puzzle I once read long ago.

What do rich people need,
that the poor have tons of?
-NOTHING!!
I don't know I haven't been following the politics movement as much as I did when the Presidential race was on and in the first month of Obama's reign.
As always I look forward to opinions and comments from all sides of the debate as I feel this is the only way to show the entire picture of this seemingly hot topic!

WHO ARE WE TO DENY THE RIGHTS OF MARRIAGE...A Rant on Gays, Lesbians, and Trans...

I will start with the politics that I am viewing in my life around me. One, and mainly is, 'SHOULD GAY MARRIAGE BE LEGAL?' In my opinion yes! Why should we discriminate on someone's choice of partners? Where does it say in the NEW TESTAMENT that gays and lesbian are wrong and shall be condemned to Hell? I remember it quite vividly in the Old Testament as I was raised Lutheran and was a staunch one at that, when I was younger. But even at age fourteen when I thought I was against abortion for most reasons, and believed in creationism, I still never thought that Gays, Lesbians or Trans should ever be denied the right to marry or be allowed to worship under the same roof as I did. This is one of the fundamental arguments I had with my religion at 17 that made my decision to turn to another religion for guidance and support. I went through theology studying all forms of religion, and as a child even in our parochial school, they taught us about most major forms of religion. Only one has ever said that it didn't matter what your sexual orientation was, that was of course Wicca. But they too were so steeped in ritual and preformed beliefs that pushed themselves onto others that I strayed even from that one.
Onto another note, I have met Gays and Lesbians and Trans that said they chose to be the way they were and I say that is their choice. Is it my choice to be a Lesbian? No. But should I deny them their choice, especially in this Country of the FREE??? NO!!! I have also met Gays and Lesbians and Trans, that say they were born this way, that always they had felt a pull to that side of the romantic road. They would tell me of the shame and stigma they felt when trying to deal with society and would pray to be "normal"(Which in my opinion is overrated and can no longer be identified) so that their parents would not look at them with disappointment. Or that they could be free to say who they are in the military without being kicked out. There are many who choose this way but there are just as many who were BORN this way!! Why would God, a vindictive, arrogant and narrowminded God albeit, allow such genetics to be born and bred but say they are Hellbound? No, I don't buy that at all. There is nothing wrong with them, theirs is not a mutation, or some demon sin brought upon their heads from womb. Theirs is simply an alternate view born out of genetics that led them to be this way.
Moving on, I abhore CALIFORNIA'S choiced of Prop. 8, a state I once regarded as open minded and free thinking as the city of Las Vegas. Better even because they were more ecologically minded, health minded, and full of Hollywood Stars that had a foot in the door to opening the world to much better views and lifes.
I cannot understand why a State with the most largely populated Gay and Lesbian city(San Francisco) would be the first to deny such rights to people who are as kind and caring and in most part MORE kind and caring to their partners be denied a basic right. The right to be coupled together as the same as any other couple. MARRIAGE IS NO LONGER A RELIGIOUS RIGHT, it is a sacred pact backed by the government. My parents were married in a civil ceremony in a court of Law. Now I doubt highly that any Gays or Lesbians are asking religions to turn a blind eye to their religious beliefs and allow them to marry in their church, they are simply asking for a title. A title in my mind that makes most people, miserable, hateful, and domineering towards one another in the long run. Why it used to be against religious decree to DIVORCE. Now 50% of all married couples end in divorce. WHY NOT ALLOW ANY DECENT GAY AND LESBIAN THE SAME RIGHT TO MISERY AS ANY OTHER MALE/FEMALE UNION???
Continuing on in my diatribe is the judgement of whether or not Gays and Lesbians should be allowed to have children, adopt children, or be foster parents. The denial of this right or voiced opinions against this right based on the fact that they'll somehow "TURN" the children into "Gays" is WRONG!!! I have not lived in Las Vegas my whole life but I did live here when I was five, before moving back to California. And my mother worked Hellish hours at Caesar's Palace as a bellhop. She had, at first, had a teenage boy watching me and two other children for our hours after school. He introduced us to PORN, POT SMOKING, and OTHER ILLEGAL forms of entertainment by having groups of friends over and participating in these activities while we were supposed to be "napping" in our room. We, of course, snuck down the hallway to peek out into the den and see the fornications on t.v., smell the funny smoke, and listen to horrible jokes that belittled women. Eventually I told my mother about these things. She pulled me from his care, but my NEXT BABYSITTER. Was a Transvestite looking to go through the waiting period to become a woman. She was beautiful and sweet. Treated us like we were her own babies and never said a bad word, subject us to bad television, and never made us nap for hours on end while she did illegal drugs. She was a great babysitter and a great homework helper. When my mother decided to move back to CA. I begged her to take Shiree with us because I loved her so much. But of course, I didn't understand that she had her own life to tend to as well. I've never forgotten that woman nor the care she showed us while we under her care.
THIS NARROWMINDED BIAS OF WHO GAYS, LESBIANS, AND TRANS ARE HAS GOT TO STOP!!! Now is the time to rise up Youth of today, just as we did to elect Obama President, We must also voice our disgust at the older generations for their one sided damnation of people who can be just as wonderful if not even MORE SO then we as so called "righteous Straights". IT IS ARROGANCE, to think for even one second that WE ARE THE ONES TO INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD!!! All Jesus ever asked us to do,(FOR THOSE WHO FOLLOW THE NEW TESTAMENT) was love!! LOVE AND FORGIVE!!!! And after my dealings with those of alternate sexual orientation, I SAY THEY DO THE BEST WORKS OF JESUS!!!
They love each other and forgive us for our stupidity. In return they ask only for acceptance as WORTHY HUMAN BEINGS...IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR???
I SAY NO!!!!
Phew! Okay so now I have ranted about my beliefs on what I consider to be a hot topic. And I thank you if you have read this. Feel free to leave any kind of comment you want, whether is pro or con my argument I will listen, and post! AMERICA WAS FOUNDED ON THE RIGHTS OF THE FREE TO BE WHO THEY WANT TO BE AND TO DO AS THEY WANT, SO WHO AM I TO DENY YOUR RIGHT TO COMMENT?? I only hope, that some of my rantings were read by someone who once viewed differently and are enlightened by my article.
Thank you.

The Eye of the TORNADO...When you wish for a little excitement you get HELL

God, I remember for a time how quiet my life was, serene. I went to bed, every night. I had no worries except where I was going to get the next twist for my book. But I have to admit my book was a little rough still. I woke up at the same time every morning. I didn't argue with my grandma, my meds. worked so well, that when she threw her little tantrums, or started to order me around like she likes to do so much, I just said, "Oh well she's just being her, what can I do?" and I shrugged it off. But I was BORED!!!! I sat in my room every night playing on the computer. writing and creating my digital art. My friends were in other countries. Yeah it was fascinating learning their culture and slang terms...but seriously was I becoming that geek again I knew so well in high school? Well one day I reached out to a local friend of mine, just to see what he was up to, it had been four months since we'd spoken. He was...different. HAPPY!!! Light, and Joie de Vie. AND JOKING AROUND EASILY ....this was not the guy I knew so well. My friend was a determindedly aspiring mortgage broker. Last I spoke he and another guy in the biz were working at one company while spending every waking minute trying to get theirs up and off the ground. But then he tells me, HE'S IN LOVE!!!!! I couldn't believe it!! He said he was too busy to even date...and he wasn't interested in anyone or a relationship at that point. Well that's what he once said when I suggested getting out and meeting someone. But I guess he took my advice, because he'd met this girl, this changed his life girl. He was trying to move to San Diego to BE WITH HER....AFTER FOUR MONTHS!?!?!
WOW...I mean WOW!!!! My friend(yes I am definitely trying not to use his name at all out of respect to him...not like any of you would know him but I do try to keep others' names off here in case you stumble across this blog and suddenly recognize me...I mean I am dumb enough to put my own picture up) is not one to make rash decisions but I guess it's true...love makes you dumb. So I asked him what site he joined...and Then I Did It Too...and thats' when my life was dramatically changed from hermit to Miss Popular. I've gone on so mnay dates. Some Good, Some Bad, Some...well, we'll not speak of them. I met one worth it...Well I am hoping so....I hope for the best but expect the worst...or it's become my motto since moving to Vegas...trust me it's safer this way, and I am AN OPTIMIST!!!! YEAH!
Ugh, I don't remember my point to all this, just that's when all the stuff started. Right after that, on a totally different site and completely unrelated to this, I met my Writing Coach. He's a Semi-Known PUBLISHED HORROR WRITER!!!!
WHO WOULD"VE THUNK IT!!! A Person who is PUBLISHED, IN THE BIZ ANNNDDDD SAME GENRE AS MINE!!!! So he sees my first draft and says he sees a glimmer of something in my work and may he give me some tips?? I say SURE, I mean mostly I had gotten: I liked it(thats it), I didn't like(ditto), umm why does she kill though, why don't you explain her reasoning(umm because it's THE FIRST CHAPTER!! READ SOME MORE IT'S CALLED SUSPENSE DUMMY, GET TO CHAPTER EIGHT..SHE GETS TO IT THERE) and, my favorite-I don't really like horror...WELL, DID I ASK YOU OR FORCE YOU TO READ IT??? NO!!!!!arrrggghhh, I had gotten no where...But his tips and constructive not nasty at all criticism totally gave me the fuel I needed to rewrite and then again rewrite into the in process third draft I am at now!! I am on a all new chapter I am writing, right now it's titled chapter 3.5 because it is going to become the new chapter four but I sent the newly and totally redone, revised, and reedited, version of chapters 1-3 to my coach. and he said that "I would be COMPLETELY SHOCKED, IF THIS DIDN'T...DIDN'T MAKE THE NEW YORK BEST SELLER'S LIST, You're REALLY ON A ROLL NOW" I asked him once why he was helping me and all for nothing. He said when he perused the site I was posted on he was just looking for something to take his mind of his own writer's block and stumbled across my catchy title. And then as he started to help and saw how I blossomed he felt great like he was helping a great artist coming to their fold. "And I am getting a creative buzz, almost like a high from your creative steam! It's great!" I told him for his help and belief in me I would dedicate the book to him and I meant it. He said he was honored but not to speak so quickly. But I do mean it. He really is the one that gave me the insight as to what a reader is looking for in a character, how to draw out a scene to torture and tease and tantalize the reader so that they're so anxious they want to read quickly to find out what happens next but they're enjoying the current scene so much they read it over and over to savor the words. I had forgotten that feeling that I got when I read. I loved it!!
Anyways...Writing about all this good stuff has made what happened yesterday seem to drift away on a cloud. IT was horrible and scary but now I am so happy and relaxed I seriously don't want to talk about it anymore. THIS is why I LOVE to write. The experience is SOOO Cathartic for me. Even if no one reads it lol...
Maybe one day this site will be a hot site as all the fans of Isabelle's Story come to crowd around and read the Bipolar Author's Roller Coaster Rants and Raves. LMFAO!!!

OKAY THAT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT...I FEEL TONS BETTER--PEACE OUT y'ALL!

I'm Going to Jail For My Grandmother SO I WON'T SAY THOSE DEADLY WORDS...and A KILLER NEW SERIES I FOUND "BREAKING BAD"

Have you ever reached a point in your life where the heroes you believed your parents(or in my case primary caregivers) were, were actually not that great at all? They were in actuality childish, less educated than you, and well liars?
I reached that stage when I was seventeen when I caught my Grandmother in a stupid petty lie. That did nothing but try and make her look better. Ever since then every story she's ever told me growing up has changed. The fish has gotten bigger, just because I've accomplished more in life than she had, became a greater educated person, turned out to be a genius AND made non of the mistakes she did...which I kinda sorta thought was the point of her lessons when I was growing up. But suddenly she went from having only a G.E.D. she quite proud of getting told to me when I was in high school. To attending some college class told to me when I was a sophmore in college. To an outrageous "I have an associates" now told since I have my master's and practice. Also everytime I start a sentence (Note to self: Stop using that sentence opener) with, "DId you know...?" even though I know full well she doesn't she says she does just to sound like she's up on that sort of news. Even if it was about something she knows nothing about nor cares about...like computers. I even scolded her once outright, "YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS, why do you have to be a KNow-It All" Her response was, "Well why do you?" Ugh, she the perfect 72 y,o, toddler I never wanted. Okay well enough whining....

I am writing a novel now, I had made quite a bit of money through my practice so that I could semi-retire for a while which everyone says I should travel. But really it's not that easy. I retired to take care of my Grandmother(aww yes how sweet, I regret taking on this task alone everyday) anyways, I help take care of the bills and help her around with stuff cuz of her debilitating arthritis and it gives me loads of time to work on my dream. Writing a book. My first dream job and reason I got into psychology was to become a criminal profiler. I passed the written FBI test but not psych. evaul. Yes apparently they think a bipolar is more apt to pull a trigger then anyone else. Oh well. But I have a gift, a knack for seeing the truth written in people's expressions, and hearing what people are really saying in their voice tones, added with body language and an ability to attrack psychos to me(seriously I don't know how many I've dated before I learned to spot those fuckers a mile away) and just some hunch like ability to feel out a situation. And I can get to the bottom of any situation fast. So I turned to reading up on a lot of the above named subjects. And then got into texts on Criminal profiling And the disordered mind. Now I am writing a Psychological Horror about a Female Sociopath who is killing like a psychopath...weird I know but stay with me. She kills like a psychopath because she is drawn by a lust to perform an act. She doesn't have a method or MO because she doesn't want to get caught, she doesn't want notoriarty, unusual for them I know. But in her mind she is a hero. Anyways she is a sociopath because she can expertly and without any red flags or bells going off, blend in with society, even be seen as a people person and loving towards others. IT's great.
That's all I am saying but I get more and more excited with the feedback I am getting(from other writers) and more and more hopeful with each refinement I do. I am realistic though I know it will get rejected 100 or 1000 times before someone accepts it, but yes I am excited. Anyways the point is, someone turned me on to this series called "Breaking Bad" It's a t.v. series on AMC but the previous episodes are on MEGAVIDEO.COM start with breaking bad 101 in the search bar and go from there, that's what I am doing. It's about a chemistry teacher that is total poster child for Murphys Law, ends up with End Stage Lung Cancer, no hope really so he begins so worry after his family and how they'll get by after his death, and decides to cook and sell Crystal Meth to solve that dilemma. HELL ENSUES!!!
I get crazy ideas from the unique deaths that happen on there. And Just watching the drama inspires me to want to write in a weird way. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY WATCH IT<>
OKAY DONE WITH MY TIRADE-
PEACE LOVE AND CHICKEN GREASE!!!

THE ABSOLUTELY MOST HORRENDOUS, MOST TERRIBLE...WORST THING EVER EVER EVER, THAT I HAVE HEARD...AS A THERAPIST...

This has to be the Aftermat of the WORST DAY I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH...I don't know, I have gone through some REALLY FUCKING BAD DAYS BEFORE...but you know what differed from those days and THIS ONE....after those days I felt better for the experience or the relief of living through it...today I just feel worse and more nauseated from what I had heard....okay let me back up...I am a therapist... a licensed psychologist.... and had a session with a client that is so disabled from a recent car accident we held our hour via web cam and Skype. I rarely do that, but he was a well paying client and I sensed that we were just about to reach a breakthrough and I didn't want to lose the momentmum. Okay side note. I am not a doctor, I was not forced to take an "OATH" for "DOCTOR/PATIENT PRIVILEGE" but it is severely understood that there is that right in the therapy world. I am NOT violating that right when I am talking in vague terms about a case and NOT mentioning names, NOR MY NAME, NOR THE PERSON'S NAME...so again, this person had had some severe trauma in his childhood and was ready to talk. But had prefaced in many sessions before that I would be like all the other shrinks and just shrug like there was nothing that could be done. First I must say here if that really happened(Which I am not surprised...We have some excellent Specialty Doctors but shitty Therapists...Life Coaches you know who you are) then I am mad at them for that, and second that is not taught in trustworthy schools as the approach to these cases. There is always something to be done. Anyways, he also thought I would stop treating him, and blame him for the mess. No, there is no culprit in cases like these. Anyways, enough building the suspense. He started to tell me about an older sibling that molested him when he was a young boy, did it for years to him and made him feel too ashamed to say anything about it, that it was his fault, he really wanted it. Years later when he knew better she denied it even happened calling him a liar. but she continued molesting from the age of about seven on til he was old enough to be able to stop her, he said he was about nine. Now that in of itself is sad, but this is not why I am posting this, this is a case I have dealt with before. What I am about to say next I have never dealt with before and have no confidants that would want to hear this so I have to turn to strangers and a secret blog to unburden my pain at the sheer horrific story that kept me sleepless last night and made me sick to my stomach. When he turned thirteen, or shortly thereafter one of his parents lost a job and it forced them into a smaller house, his brother and my client ended up sharing a room, and the parents cast off king sized bed, by that time his younger brother was just turning ten but was way smaller then my client was at that age. My client started to molest his younger brother, and of course the younger brother fought back. But my client was now thirteen and much stronger, so he eventually won out. He did this til he was fifteen. By then my client was so sickened of himself he could no longer look at himself in the mirror. He tried to commit suicide once. And had a sudden realization he didn't want to be that person anymore, he stopped molesting his brother. They were in separate rooms by then. But the damage was done. His now eleven year old brother turned and started to molest his nine year old little sister. My client said when he first walked in on them and yelled at his brother to stop it, his brother didn't even give him more than a passing glance before resuming the molesting. My client said he spent an entire day in the bathroom vomiting , screaming and crying. He tried to tell his parents, the police, and teachers. All about it, from what happened to him down to what his brother was doing to his little sister. No one believed him. My client is my age. I can remember they were just starting the programs of telling your teachers or policeman if your parents were hurting you but they didn't have the training for if siblings were hurting you. God I didn't know what to do. I usually wouldn't divulge this I have a whole separate blog for this but I wanted him to feel ease for what he went through. So I told him some personal truths just slightly changed and not really changed that much to help him not feel alone. I said my mother explained in NC-17 format what sex was when I was three and told me although it was how babies were made, it felt really really good. So at four when my best friend (a boy) named lee spent the night I coerced him into having sex with me. WhenI was five, I was the first to get chicken pox so all the mothers were sending their kids to come stay with me in the hopes they would catch from me. I was teaching them all about sex while they stayed over. My mother's boyfriend found out about this and yelled at them, said they were bad and sent them home. That day he bought me a pink dress and two dolls. He asked if he could brush my hair, and then started telling me how pretty I was and did I know what I was telling those boys? I said yes, and he asked if I could show him so I did, and he said could he show me, and that's when he started the raping business
I was raped over two years time. I told my mother once and she called me a liar. she thought he was a great dad to me.
But once...on a mere chance her car broke down and she spent two hours getting fixed and her boss cancelled her shift at the restaurant so she came home and saw I wasn't lying...we never talked about it. But I grew up thinking that boys would love you if you had sex with them...I told him that I told a guy I would beat him up if wouldn't have sex with me, but that part was a lie. And that was it. I told him that the real person that should've been hauled through and tarred and feathered is the person who started the molesting business whoever molested his sister. And it was a shame that the whole family was torn apart now. I told him to get angry, he had every right. And to feel sickened at the mess that the person who started it all, and he has every right to carry this with him for however long it takes before he can put it behind him. But then I said...But you're an *Insert ARTISTIC GIFT HERE* How can you go forward with your craft and make your *INSERT ARTISTIC GIFT HERE* further if your always looking back at that mess behind you, one day you have to drop that burden to grab ahold of your future. I know you will though, but not until your ready.
I feel really honored you shared this with me...
And then....I closed the session grabbed my wastebasket and puked...
God I lied!!! I LIED!!! ALL to WHAT!?!?!? WHAT KIND OF THERAPIST AM I<>

OKAY SERIOUSLY GUYS ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY EVEN IF ITS" WOW! I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO THIS....OR WOW THIS GUY IS FUCKED UP, OR YOU LIED TO HIM...OR DON'T BE SO HARD ON HIM..>>OR YOU SHOULD RETIRE..>>ANY COMMENTS YOU HAVE I WOULD APPRECIATE INSULTS EVEN RIGHT NOW....I JUST NEED TO HEAR WHAT SOMEONE ELSE THINKS.....*SIGH* THIS IS JUST TEARING ME UP INSIDE!!!