Evil, Loss, Discord... all wonderful things surround me...

Well I thought my life was already at it's worst and only blue skies would be up ahead... but again life threw me a curve.
I look back at some of the most recent posts on here and realized I've been bitching too much and not dealing too well.

My Grandmother just died.

I thought dealing with bad dates was one thing, but no matter how hard I've tried to prepare for this day... I wasn't ready.
I don't think I'm still ready and she's been passed on for about a month almost now.

Right before Thanksgiving She started acting funny, I mean she always acts funny in the afternoons because that's when she starts drinking.
And maybe if it weren't for her need to drink every single day I might've noticed something a miss earlier. But as it turned out I didn't think anything til one night I found her passed out on the floor.

I thought she'd finally reached her depths of darkness but when I woke her up and told her to go to bed she didn't give her usual response. Normally when I caught her passed out on the couch she'd get all pissy when I woke her and declare she'd never been asleep at all. She was a true Scot, I'll say. But that night she was all confused and apologetic, it was weird.
The next day she'd stayed in bed til I woke up at ten a.m. She was always awake by 5:30 in the morning and what was weird was she couldn't get out of bed. I ended up having to basically help her step by step to get to the couch and that was only after I'd helped her go to the bathroom.

I kept thinking she'd had a mini-series of strokes but really I was just worried. It wasn't til that night I'd called her doctor because it was very apparent that she wasn't thinking on all capacities.

Well she found out and asked me if I was worried about her and I told her yes. I told her that I thought that she'd had a series of small strokes and she said nothing but after an hour... I'd left my bedroom door open so she could call to me if she needed help and that's when she called out, "Sweetheart I think you're right."
I knew she was agreeing with me but I had no real idea what to do and the doctors told me it was a waste to bring her in when so much time had passed til the actual stroke had probably occured.

The next day my Uncle and I half-carried and well...half-carried her to the doctors where they said promptly that she needed to go into the hospital.

We got her in and found out she'd had pnuemonia and sepis of the blood. And I freaked but I knew that pnuemonia was a curable disease so I told them to help her all they could.
I actually felt like this was going to help and she would get better...only two days after they gave her the medicine they told me that she would never live without some form of life support.
It broke my heart, really. I mean my grandmother was a fighter but she was always a believer in not hanging on by artificial means and to never be a burden to her family.
The day before Thanksgiving my Uncle and I sat with her as they pulled the tubes out and pumped her full of morphine. I cried then, sobbed really. But I couldn't stand it, the staring at her decrepit body, limbs full of fluid, her hair needed to be dyed and she was screwing her face up in pain.
So we stayed half an hour and said goodbye to my grandmother and then went home.
Selfishly we went home because...well at least I couldn't stand to stay there and watch her go.
She passed two hours later and I spent Thanksgiving alone.

I have spent a lot of time alone really, and at first it was terrible. But I've gotten used to it a little now and kinda like it, but I am still too far disordered by bipolar to really live alone and care for myself.
Thank God my uncle has agreed to come stay with me.

As for the title(If I keep it the same before I edit and post), I lived outside of Sedona, Az. along time ago, and followed an alternative religion. It's called Wicca.
Anyways, I studied Wicca for about seven years and became proficient in many forms of divination. Numerology and palmistry being one of them. Also liked Horoscopes but I couldn't get the handle of sidereal time. Anyways they said that there were different colored auras for different signs. Mine was Gold center with an outer black ring.
The yellow meant charm, attractiveness, mediation, and persuasion. But the black stands for Evil, Loss, and Discord and is what surrounds my life.
Cheery huh?

The Sheer Audacity and Stupidity..A vent on stupid men

Alright, Long time no talk but I have to just share my sheer outrage and anger that this happened.

The story is this-
I am on a dating site currently, and it is one I belonged to about six months before. When on this site I got completely fed up with psychos, desperate, and utter retardness of men I found on that site.
The clincher is when I connected with someone in my real life...long story short on that- six months that I will never get back.
When I dumped the loser, I was renewed in my efforts to stop the dating game, and find someone to just be with... long term.
I have since then refind my search criteria and changed what I was attracted to most.
I am smarter now, and more picky, however I've had some losers, a desperate and in denial man, a guy who is super busy, but seems to now be the most likely candidate(If it could move into a more dependable and serious thing).
I went out with this guy for a total of three dates. TRUST ME, he is very ambitious and is driven to make it happen. He is sweet, fun, not clingy, non desperate, very mature, and stable man. The sex is fun, and he always cooks me terrific meals at his house.
The only problem is it just hadn't moved into anything more than a mutual attraction and base level dating. And actually, I haven't fallen passionately in love with him...HOWEVER, it does not mean I can't, I just have trained my heart to not get all dopey when the guy hasn't suggested anything serious.

BUT THIS JOURNAL IS NOT ABOUT HIM!!!
I have still dated, and yes, slept with, a few guys- ALWAYS DOUBLY PROTECTED!!!
I was frustrated and disheartened by the amount of guys that lied, and used women, lure them on and then disappear if they get laid.
BUT- wow it only was yesterday... it feels like a week. It was very intense fast and then he fucked up and I have shut my heart down.
Okay so two days ago I recieved an email from a guy that caught my interest. I was unable to get to the site to read the whole email but I got the email notification on my phone which gives the name, the title of the email on the site, and one line of what he wrote.

It said, "A very fat man(not me) is going to come over and kidnap you using a burlap sack."
Honestly, it scared me a little. Since I've dealt with actual stalkers, I thought it might've been a warning or a threat.
But the email title said "Corny Line I know"
So yesterday I went online to read it.
What it REALLY said was,
"A very fat man(not me) is going to come over and kidnap you using a burlap sack.
- I asked Santa to bring me a present!"
I laughed, it was original and funny. The guy had quite a few pictures and was a VERY LARGE MAN- Okay I hate to use the term but it's the only most accurate description- He is a MORBIDLY OBESE MAN.
But, he had a really cute face and his profile quote was really spot on.
He wrote a very funny, detailed, intelligent, and caring profile.
It talked about him just recieving gastric bypass surgery and he's lost 200lbs. so far and keeps dropping.
Honestly he did the right thing, is working to correct his problem and health. He later divulged to me that his obesity started because of a deep depression.
That touched me really. I know first hand what depression can do to you... I still battle with its effects to this day.
His profile talked about his life, his job, his views, political/religious beliefs(like mine), his likes and dislikes of things, what he was his job was and what his hopes were, he talked about the (in a really generalized and not "poor me" way) past mistakes he made in relationships and what he was looking for(describing me quite well)
His writing to me described about him(and that's what I gleaned from it not what was actually written) being caring, wanting to seriously settle down into something steady and really just touched me.
I wrote an email back to him and like intuition- he came right online at that moment.
He wrote a response, and I emailed him back but before I could finish it; he contacted me on the sites IM services.
We spoke for a little bit, and he was funny, genuine and very appealing. So we switched to yahoo, and used a more reliable and faster chat.
I am not one who waffles or draws out situations out of fear. I am in a business that requires complete control and safety on all aspects of my life.
IN OTHER WORDS- I have a subscription to the most thorough and completely invasive dectective site online. So I have the freedom of checking everyone, first and mostly for my job(got it after a very scary attack), but also to verify the honesty and integrity of who I got interested in contacting on this dating site. It is a paranoid habit I have developed but it's keeping me safe from some really just delusional and sometimes scary stalkers that I have encountered on there before.
So, I checked him out: and not only did he come back financially, lawfully, and intimately safe person.
The chat really becomes quite lively and fun. We used the phone call feature on yahoo and talked awhile before trusting each other to give our real phone numbers.
I have a quickly and sure decision making trait, and also really forward nature.
I wanted to quickly meet this guy because he was saying all the right things and you could tell it wasn't bullshit.
SO we agreed to meet(in public and my "Safe" and also "Cheers" like) bar.
He had two drawbacks that I was willing to test and see if it would work.
He was a non-smoker and I was respectful and because of his gastric bypass he could only rarely on occasion have only one glass of wine( his stomach was removed and went directly to his liver and bloodstream. Wine just happened to be his preference. But he had to be safe to not damage his apparently sensitive liver). I myself am a legal vices used to freely girl. I chain smoke cigarettes, only started the constant smoking of them due to life stressing situations. And I am now smart and carefully monitor my drinking but I have streaks of drinking socially quite regularly. Then sometimes I just don't feel like it and go from anywhere of a month to upwards of six months without even drinking a beer.
But I like the atmosphere of bars, it was a safe public place, and I enjoyed drinking. It's a habit I developed after spending a long amount of time in Vegas.

**OKAY SO I KNOW THIS IS INCREDIBLY DETAILED BUT I HAVE TO SPIT IT ALL OUT- AND IT PAINTS A COMPLETE INSIDE PICTURE TO GIVE YOU "My Understanding" OF THE SITUATION**

Okay so I am not always understood by guys who've just moved here or are somehow traumatized by it and just avoid it completely. Vegas is a TERRIBLE TOWN to come to if you have any sort of ADDICTION at all. But- if you're strong and smart- you learn to be a very much more liberal kind of person.
Since everything is 24/7 it's not unheard of getting together and drinking at about (well honestly in my hard core partying phase it would be even as early or honestly late depending on if I've been there til then, or was just available to drink then) 1-2:00p.m. For myself, I had a limit of alcohol I would drink to recieve my acceptable "lightly buzzed" state. I learned I really didn't like having the spins or barfing, and in this town you seriously always need to have your wits about you. So I may drink a lot at first, but I actually wait til each drink fully takes effect on my body and then decide to either go for more from there or cut back to a drink an hour to maintain but further intoxicate my system(Oh the wonderful joys of taking abnormal psych. and a seminar on the effects of alcohol on your system that was very clinical and How-To).

PHEW! Sorry I know its a totally apparent tangent there but I wanted to stress my rules and regulations for drinking. I am careful and maybe overly paranoid but I refuse to become an alcoholic those in my family, and really alcohol wasn't my "poison of choice" which I stopped doing when I was 25 and realized I needed to grow up(I used to smoke pot, loved it...and would smoke it over a drink anyday back then). SOO!!! NO!! I am not addicted to alcohol. It's a really social thing for me(there is nothing more depressing and just plain stupid way of drinking than to be alone and drinking...umm D'UH- Alcohol is a depressant- only smart to drink when you're happy and relaxed...not as a means of escaping a problem or to become numb from- definition of addiction).
All this says is that some people get weary of "Vegas' ebb and flow" if they're not what is considered a "Native". You get that title after you've lived in Vegas for more than six years.

OKAY BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POINT AND REAL STORY NOW:
I hung out with this guy, which out of respect I will not mention the dating site, the screename he uses, or any personal info about this guy. This is about me venting; not about defaming or humiliating him.
We got a long REALLY WELL. And I mean this when I say, that his personality complimented mine in every way. And he also had a stabilizing force to my hyper, talkative, and sometimes loud personality.
He would stare at me with the most gorgeous, hypnotizing, and completely attracted to me; eyes.
He listened intently to my nervous, and utterly just "diaherrea of the mouth" babbling. :D
He talked and engaged in the conversation and we found that we had very similiar tastes. Only he actually likes chick flicks and dramas but isn'ta fanatic of Horror. Whereas I am the complete opposite- I will avoid chick flicks and dramas like the plague(I hate things that make me cry- like it was that moving and potentially depressing) but honestly if someone suggests one or I think it might have an original plot... then I'll watch it. And those happen to be the ones I enjoy. Otherwise I am a fanatic of Horror. LOVE THE GORE- THE REALISTIC BLOOD SQUIRTS AND REALISTIC BODY MATTER. I am a connoisseur of horror but love the classics and foreign.
It's fantastic for an escape from reality and also it's proven that our primal urges are to get aroused from being scared or violence.

**OKAY, CHECK OUT MY NEXT IMMEDIATE POST ON THE GREATEST HORROR/COMEDY FLICK OUT IN THEATERS RIGHT NOW- INCLUDES A LINK ON HOW TO WATCH FREELY AND ON YOUR COMPUTER ALL SORTS OF MOVIES AND THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR**

But I digress. This guy was the one I'd been looking for. Intelligence, humor, personality, caring and sensitive, and just right guy to get into a steady relationship with.
I was foolish and just full of hope. But I gave in too quickly. I acquiesced to him and gave him power over me; trusting that he would be the one to not abuse this power.
So the night drags on, I am attracted to this(yes, he is obese. But I am more attracted to intelligence, humor, caring attributes than to shallow attributes that would be more attracted to body type and whole looks package) man incredibly. He had these amazing eyes(he is taller than I am with a square strong looking chin, a nice and neat mustache and goatee that looked good on him, dark brown hair-REALLY DARK- and amazing, BEDROOM SEXY, blue-green eyes. And I trusted the look in his eyes as really liking and wanting the same as I. So I felt safe to invite him back to my house, and have sex with him. YES I USED TO PROTECTION, EVEN BIRTH CONTROL SO EFFECTIVELY THAT NOT EVEN ONCE HAVE I HAD A WHIFF OF A PREGNANCY SCARE. I am not stupid.
It was really quite great, not totally fucking awesome, but I did umm...well I came and enjoyed the experience quite well. I was actually worried at first, because he was still a large man- with a rotund belly- I wondered how it would be possible to have a comfortable fit with positions and non asthma attacking way. WELL LET ME TELL YOU THIS!!
(Oh and side note I found so cute and endearing, was he wanted to keep his under tee-shirt on. But I was fucking blind to anything but how attracted I was to him. I asked him to take it off it was not a deterrent to me. PLUS- I really get off on the sweating and naked skin rubbing against naked skin, feeling.)
We found a way to make it completely comfortable. AND HE HAS STAMINA...AND ENERGY!!! That night we had sex four times before I begged off, I was just plain drained from the enjoyment. I had not thought to look at his age since his picture, in person, and sexually prowress made me think he had to be younger. Guys who are my age and older, typically lose that energy and vitality because once they hit thirty their testosterone levels drop by 1% per year. BUT I WAS SHOCKED! He's FORTY!!!
And honestly that is quite a few years older than the age range I accept and even advertise on my profile that I would even consider talking to. But it felt comfortable and not the least bit like our age was a pressing and uncomfortable in the least!
That night he cuddled up to me and slept a small amount of time with me- it was nice. I am not an overtly affectionate person nor do I even attempt/like cuddling. (I was with a controlling, manipulative and mental/emotionally abusive man- who used me- and never showed an ounce of affection and in the three years we were together- we NEVER KISSED!!! I finally realized the abuse and dumped the ass quite quickly and just never cared about it. I realized the problem was me punishing myself and I never EVER loved him or cared an ounce about him)
BUT- it was actually at that point exciting to regain and even felt the most completely happy; cuddling with him til we fell asleep!! I set the alarm early enough for him to get home and be ready for work.
TODAY, I ACTUALLY DID NOT PLAN TO SEE HIM; I HAD TWO OTHER PLANS PREMADE. One was to go with a nice enough friend, to see Cirque Du Soleil's "O" since I had never even seen a show on the strip before. He got them free, but set for a specific date and time(despite the fact that that show is on every night two times), and I was originally excited that I would get to go.
I had finally reached my limit with the problems that my computer was having. Not to into minute detail on a boring and pointless detail, but basically my computers version of Windows was so, I guess, advanced that a lot of software companies that are somewhat necessary to have the complete and normal access to the website(like Flash Player- FREE and COMPLETELY dependent on the Companies to finance their programs).
I had obsessively searched for the answer- don't get me on a rant about that- found some suggestions that never worked for me...and I just got plain fed up and impatient.
SO IT JUST SO HAPPENS- That this guy I had gone ga-ga over was an elite and incredibly great with computers. He repaired them for a living. He had a job that at a certain time of day, he was on call, but could really do anything he wanted unless he got a call for a job.
I texted him that I was fucking pissed off to the point of throwing my computer against the wall. He told me that there was an easy and simple correction for it that would definitely work. I kept asking him how I could get ahold of it, like find a download or setting I could do myself to get it going. He replied with what I took as a vague and implying comment of his want to come see me and do it himself. So I needled him and he said he had the complete cure available readily and for free and agreed to come over and do it then, and be done by the time I needed to leave for my plans to go to the show.
OH YEAH- MY OTHER PLAN FOR THAT NIGHT...WAS TO GO ON A SECOND DATE WITH ANOTHER POTENTIAL GUY...SINCE I WAS KEEPING MY OPTIONS OPEN...WAITING FOR THE RIGHT ONE.
SO!!! He came over and started to fix my computer for me. At first everything was fine. And really I was in a state of wanting to stay at home, be comfortable, and just chill. So I fibbed to my first obligation...and invited him to hang out and after fixing the system would finally get to do the one thing that was fucked up and unable for me to do. We would watch a pirated movie.
OKAY SO HERE IT IS... THE NEED FOR THE BITCHING AND VENTING- THE MEAT OF THE STORY... This is when things started to go bad.
First of all, I am pretty fucking smart...not a college trained professional with computers and electronics. But considered the family "Guru" and "Go To Girl" for all the electronics in the house and really for my other family members too. BUT!!! I treasure and think that spending a lot of money to get a really great piece of a equipment, is worth it to splurge.
I HAVE ALSO THE VERY NASTY HABIT of being a control freak. Which came out when he would try something with my computer that made me uneasy, or it stumped him for about a second. I tried...and this was honestly just trying to be helpful, BUT WOE BE UNST TO ME, A MEER MORTAL OF COMPUTER KNOWLEDGE; suggesting options to him that I had used in the past and had worked. BUT- NOT ONLY WAS I QUICKLY AND ABRUPTLY TOLD I WAS WRONG...BUT he then went on to patronize me and tell me exactly(as if that really interested me...just tell me no, and fix it yourself...) how and why I was wrong.
Alright, MENTAL NOTE TO SELF: A REALLY good red flag to look out for with the fragile and insecure men, and to avoid, is- NEVER NEVER NEVER tell, well really just a good rule of thumb with anyone male or female, your exact IQ. FIRST OF ALL, I will be the first to toot my own horn, and say "Yeah I have a really high intelligence level" but try to be modest and just jokingly refer to myself as a, "Self Proclaimed Genius". I've never liked to just outright brag since I know that is an incredibly unappealing and really a common pitfall with Incredible Geniuses who've specialized in something with zeal. BUT- just a quick tangent. There was a guy awhile ago who pulled an almost similar stunt, when he just all of a sudden got puffed up with hot air and TRIED to tell me SOMETHING ABOUT MY SPECIALITY AND SOURCE OF INCOME...AND I MAKE A FUCKING TON OF MONEY BECAUSE I AM THAT GOOD, and I stay updated on any and all new theories, discoveries, or astute observations about a certain type of disorder. SO.. THIS GUY GOT COMPLETELY DISSED- I really can't stand to be rude intentionally, unless the person deliberately and hurtfully insulted me...OMG!!! If that happens, THEN WOE BE UNST TO YOU!!! I will go ZERO TO BITCH 0.3 seconds if that happens- WHEN HE STARTED TO CORRECT ME ON MY INTIMATE UNDERSTANDING OF THE INTERWORKINGS AND ACCURACY ON PSYCHOLOGY. Yeah, in that way I am fucking KING OF THE HILL. ESPECIALLY, when they mouth off on a subject they know nothing about, took on unverified info. AND HAS PROVEN TO BE THE INCORRECT WAY. OH!! And this is great. He started to tell me an absolute fact that he knew, but wasn't popularly/publicly reported on the 9/11 attack. He began to lecture me(and yes I also keep up on all political info. and reports as it is important to me to not be swayed by idiots like him, and to not make an ass out of myself in my understandings and beliefs on it.) that THE REAL CULPRIT, in his verbatim words, "Afghanistan was the dog that bit us, BUT RUSSIA is the dog owner, trainer, gave the attack command, and oh yeah provided them with the teeth". I found this unbelievable really, and started to politely question him on where he gleaned his info. or this revelation was posted- You know, so I could "verify" it.
Again, in his exact words, "Oh no. I didn't have to have any info available to me. I just sat down and thought really hard about it and realized this to be the truth"
OH! FYI- 1. Never push opinion on others as a truth they just HAVE to accept. It's stupid and just like all those obnoxious religious retards that feel it is their duty to CONVINCE YOU, that theirs is the ONLY correct path. And...2. HE HAD NEVER EVEN BOTHERED TO KEEP ON ANY FORM OF POLITICAL DISCUSSIONS FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS!!!! What a fucking kicker.
Yeah I just never called him again and have avoided his calls. THE FUCKING NERVE!!

SO YEAH, I JUST LITERALLY WENT THROUGH THIS ALMOST MIRRORED SITUATION(only I wasn't infatuated with the guy, just interested) and WENT BLINDLY AND NAIVELY BACK INTO IT AGAIN!!!
So back to my observation on why you never tell anyone your actual IQ number. Because not only have those tests have been seen as unreliable and outdated ways of calculating intelligence, BUT ALSO- if people are lower in score or feel less intelligent than you, they will become insecure and challenging of all your ideas, but will start to judge and expect OUTLANDISH abilities from you. So, back to Yesterday and the fucker who was installing my fix to my computer.
He asked me what my IQ number was. I simply told him my refusal to share with anyone ever that number- A. There is NEVER a specific number like 146, there are guessimated ranges, (oh yeah and if they give a specific number...then they're lying out their ass)
B. IQ tests don't accurately predict intelligence, C. IN MY BELIEF ONLY( WARNING EDCUATED YES BUT STILL JUST AN OPINION)- intelligence isn't based on some single, wildly generalized/assumed test, NOR education of any level like book smarts, street smarts, or common sense- NO IN MY OPINION- If I can explain to you(yes even in the most simplest of terms, I have been known to use the series, "Idiot's Guide to..." to learning things that are not my specialty or I don't understand the - well really only one subject I just don't understand past the very simple basics, is Math) something, anything- even those you've either never thought of or is just out there but realistic and probable- AND YOU COMPREHEND MY IDEA, UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT, ANNNDDD CAN AGREE THAT EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT, JUST MAYBE, IT'S A POSSIBILITY.... THEN I WILL SAY YOU ARE AN INTELLIGENT AND REASONABLE PERSON.

AND RIGHT AFTER, I told him my refusal with a simple explanation, he proceeded to tell me his IQ number. (OKAY OKAY, I'LL BRAG HERE AND DIVULGE, BUT ONLY TO SHOW HIS UTTER INFERIORITY AND THE REASONING BEHIND MY DENIAL TO SIMPLY ACCEPT HIS WORD, AND ALSO THIS IS COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS AND I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR HANGUPS ON IT- My IQ range, just recently in fact because it's a common misnomer that your IQ doesn't grow with each subject you inform yourself on, tested at 168-172 And I swear to fucking God that is what came about from the two proper and yes outdated, IQ tests, To give you a general idea of my intelligence quotient and to finally get the chance to BRAG LIKE HELL TO THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD, I was, by a PsyD. estimated that based on the drop in average IQ, I am now considered to be at the level of comprehension, same as, Albert Einstein. UMM YEAH IT FUCKING SURPRISED THE HELL OUTTA ME!!!! Anyways the basic average IQ in the 50's was 100-120, NOW it's estimated at 98 (HEY FORREST GUMP'S IQ WAS 80...THAT'S BORDERLINE RETARDED *WAKE UP CALL TO THE GENERAL POP.* )our expectations of education capabilities and resources have depleted rapidly. Oh and lastly, in the 50's top 1% level of IQ was 180, Einstein was reported at 185... TODAY THE IQ RANGE OF THE TOP 1%, THE "SUPER GENIUSES" is recorded at 140-162. WHOOO-HOOO...CHEW ON THAT!!! IMPORTANT FYI- it doesn't mean I am smart at all things out there, it just means that I have the ability to comprehend and learn at that level.

OKAY SO THIS NOW INCREASINGLY BECOMING APPARENT, REVEAL OF HIS NEED TO CONTROL AND BREAK ME, AND REVEALING AN INSECURE MAN WHO IS JUST LIKE AN EXCEEDINGLY LARGE NUMBER(MY OPINION BASED ON THOSE I INTERACT WITH AND HAVE A KNACK FOR ATTRACTING) WAS REALLY TURNING ME OFF AND WAS OPPOSITE TO HIS PREVIOUS DAY'S ATTITUDE.
Oh it just gets better, I finally acquiesce that he is superior to computers and I will not "annoy" him or get jumpy with him and my *INCREDIBLY EXSPENSIVE, AND FOR ME THE MOST TOP OF THE LINE AND PREMIERE COMPUTER*, that I've got a real BAD HABIT OF NEEDING TO CONTROL IT AND ALL THINGS THAT I'M SEMI INFORMED ON...and leave him alone. OH YEAH...great thing here. THE DAY BEFORE THAT, THE DAY I MET HIM IN PERSON- he said he was leary of dating another smoker, because the previous three had done this, who might be inconsiderate and downright rude to him about it. BUT I AM A SEMI-CONSCIENTIOUS SMOKER. Also it's something makes me self-conscious. (WHICH I TOLD HIM) So I agreed that if I smoked it would be wafting in the opposite direction of him, and when he came to my house that night I warned him that my gma and I smoked in the house, And I especially smoke in my room, a small room with- poor circulation by the A/C- both taking old air out, and putting cool recycled air in, Was the HOTTEST ROOM in the house, and all I had to be A FUCKING NICE BUT NOW SELF-ACTUALIZING, DOORMAT TO OTHERS WISHES; and offered to open my window, turn up one level on the ceiling fan....and yes, I even went the extra dumbass way of "exposing my vulnerable underneath" to him and giving in to his shit... I EVEN DIDN'T SMOKE IN MY OWN BEDROOM, INSTEAD TO BE POLITE AND NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE....AND BE FUCKING NICE....I WENT INTO THE DEN AND SMOKED MY CIGARETTES!!!
That first night he claims that its not really too much of a big deal, he appreciates my courtesies and he wouldn't end up going too far and nag me to quit or(which this last one is exactly what he did the next day) give me a complex on it.
NEXT DAY WHEN WE TALK, HE SAYS, "My Grandmother(yeah another endearing quality and deciding factor in pursuing something with him was that he valued family like I did and had moved in to help his Grandmother with stuff) got on my ass about smelling like smoke when I went home" UMMM... LET ME THE FIRST TO POINT OUT- THAT IS AN A. EXTREMELY POOR EXCUSE FOR SENSITIVITY TO THE SMOKE, and B. YOU'RE FUCKING FORTY, My grandmother and I have an adult relationship- rocky at times- but just because she complains about something DOESN'T mean I need to suddenly adhere to her particularities, SO REALLY GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS AND BE YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY AND DECISION MAKER...IT WAS JUST YOUR CLOTHES SMELLING- THROW THEM IN THE HAMPER AND DON'T LET HER INTO YOUR ROOM(I bet really he's what they term in Italy as a "Mamlione" not sure on the spelling, but it roughly means a wimpy little momma's boy)
Later on in the day when I made an exclamation about it to term someone else I'd dated like that- just to make a fact known- HE made an uninsightful, insecure, and took offense to that saying **ABOUT ONLY THAT PARTICULAR PERSON** He was Italian in heritage and somehow I was referring to him. AND I APOLOGIZED...stupidity is dangerous, utter stupidity is disasterous but willful and deliberate ignorance of something is down right LETHAL...Yeah that's a personal made quote. I CAN'T STAND PEOPLE WHO TAKE A GENERALIZED STATEMENT ABOUT A CERTAIN STEREOTYPE BUT NOT INCLUDING THEM, THEY NARROW IT TO BE COMPLETELY ABOUT THEM WHO I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT AND WASN'T INCLUDING IN THE STATEMENT , AND THEN TAKE IT COMPLETELY PERSONAL. Doesn't anyone get that, although, yeah people can be generally grouped into a stereotype, there is always one or two specific differences and that is REALLY the ONLY INDIVIDUALISTIC AND UNIQUE THING ABOUT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US- and why I never rely on any "statistical findings"

OK...SOOO- He is vague and just simply says, "I think it's your sheets that did that" and I said laughingly that I had not had time to purchase a couple of complete sheet sets for my bed yet and so unless he just happened to have a set of queen sized sheets with DEEP fittings for a fluffy bed, then he would have to suffer- I am hygenic, like clockwork every two weeks or even sooner if they become dirty, I WASH THEM. SOOOO!!!! He says, "Yeah I just happen to have that specific set of sheets, and I'll bring them over and give them to you if you want."
(OKAY, umm free shit that fits something I DO need...HELL YEAH I'LL ACCEPT. But now I have psychoanalyzed this whole situation and came to the conclusion that he wasn't worth the hassle, but at the time I accepted it as a friendly gesture and I would be polite by taking my sheets off and putting his on, when he brought them to me.
**HE SAID, "GIVE ME ABOUT AN HOUR TO SHOWER, DRESS, AND DRIVE THERE"**

About a hair shy of two hours, he finally calls me to say he's on his way. Really I had been so aborsbed by something online that I didn't really pay attention and the time flew. (OH HEY HEY- GET THIS...JUST ANOTHER HIT ON THE NAIL OF THE COFFIN- I am a decidedly chaotically disorganized person in my room. A. I am guilt tripped a lot by my grandmother to keep the house, anally-retentively, clean. And yeah I say guilt tripped because if I just spout off and say it's so insignificantly and retardedly small, that NO I won't be a stupid fucking slave horse to her borderline OCD, it wasn't a priority like other things I willingly do for her- But she'll just end up saying, "Then I'll do it myself!" OKAY!! MY GRANDMOTHER IS WEAK, TINY, AND CRIPPLED... and just my luck, all the shit she says she will do herself are tasks that would hurt her, tire her, or be difficult for her to complete...SO YEAH I DO GET GUILT TRIPPED INTO IT. Sooo B. When I actually get time to be in my room, I get so ensconsed in whatever it is I need absolute solitary conditions to complete, then things tend to get misplaced do to unconsciously needing to just put it somewhere. C. IT'S NOT FUCKING DIRTY, IT's JUST RANDOMLY MESSY, and finally D. I HAVE A METHOD TO MY MADNESS...the things that are at the places they're at, are because my mind has somehow categorized their need for quick usefulness to be placed there and become the way my mind finds EVERYTHING I NEED RIGHT AWAY. DAMN! I didn't realize til I started to methodically point out everything that this guy SERIOUSLY PISSED ME OFF!!! I have not gone off on a rant like this, about a person or circumstance in my personal life, for a REALLY LONG TIME!!!
OKAY... BACK TO THE STORY- so yeah he made a suggestion that I agreed to, in my words, "Even do a half-assed job of neatening up my room"
I thought he was joking and didn't realize his need for his form of order, when he replied with, "Do a FULL-ASSED JOB" and, "Drag out the bloodhounds to get EVERYTHING"
So being polite, I do as I say and do a half-assed job of straightening up but still say it's my room, deal with it.

OKAY MOVING ALONG... I realize he's called me about an hour late and I exclaim, "Wow! I didn't realize it but you took an awfully lot longer to get in touch than what first declared? Did you give TOO much attention to a body part while thinking of me in the shower?"
"No...I had to go buy sheets... I went to Best Buy and am now back on the road"
"WHAT?!?! YOU WENT OUT AND BOUGHT SHEETS??? Ummm...thanks for the present, I guess. But is my "smoke filled sheets" really that offensive?"
Oh classic dodge here, "No just really wanted to get you another pair of sheets!"
Okay so moving onto where we left off in this CRAZED RAMPAGE, in the future part of the story.
BLAH BLAH BLAH, he's working on the computer and I somehow feel responsible for this aggressive attitude and went into the den often to smoke and think about the situation...I am an insecure person about flaws that I (and at first thought til I sat and analyzed it all) may have and try to correct them. I am confident about my looks, but just thought there was a reason, that was my fault, for getting these abusive men in my life that I just thought was something I specifically did to incur this reaction in them so much.

HA HA HA HA HA!!! I am just this hopeful girl, who is stubborn, and keeps still being a magnet to attract these unique assholes. Yes I do have a flaw, I'm actually still not seeing them for what they are, and just stopping myself from even bothering with them.

Meanwhile( OH FUCK!!! Something else I forgot to mention...Okay trying to really get through all of this without boring you so badly that you don't finish reading it, I am posting it for reading and response...but THE FIRST DAY, I had brought up two relationships vaguely about certain things that happened or realizations I had made about them, but I just kept using the vague terms "A guy I was with at one time" and never specified they were the same individuals. AND REALLY- I CAUGHT MYSELF AND SAID TO HIM THE FIRST NIGHT- "Oh shit!! I'm breaking first date etiquette and bringing up exes, you don't want to hear about that"
And can't specifically site what he said, but he did imply that, no he didn't want to hear about them, and yes it was bothering him. SO I STOPPED!!!
But... BEFORE HE CAME OVER... he sent me TWO COPIED FROM THE ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS... of supposed psycho ex-g/f's that were "Still so hung up on him" WHOA! WHO IS BREAKING ETIQUETTE NOW! I politely said that I didn't really care to know that much specifically. And he went on to some other vague thing and didn't respond to my statement)
*FAST FORWARD*** So somehow we start, and at first it was light, joking...but then he turned into this REALLY FUCKING COCKY(especially for his physical appearance, growing unappealing nature, and literally just not right about his sexual performances...at least not with me) attitude that I am addicted to his cock. After I told him that I am a very contrary person and will do exactly the opposite of what someone says "I'm specifically like this..." and vaguely described the SAME ONE OF THE ONLY TWO B/F's I'D MENTIONED, who said, and I quote, "You know Brianne, you can play your little episodes and not talk to me for three-six months. BUT YOU ALWAYS COME BACK...You're really just addicted to me!" AND THE FUCKER WAS SERIOUS!!! At that moment, the multiple attempts of breaking up with him and mysteriously falling back into his abuse, stopped and I gained a moment of clarity and have blocked him on forms of communication and ignore his nearly regular retry of three months...in FACT THE FUCKER JUST TEXTED ME TWO DAYS AGO... UGH!

Going to back to the story now. He started to get really verbally abusive with me. And bringing up(YEAH SO IT'S MY BAGGAGE AND THE SCAR IS SO DEEP THAT I HAD AN EMOTIONAL REACTION BUT KEPT IN CHECK AND RESPONDED CAREFULLY AND TACTFULLY) some really hurtful emotions and memories. I stopped right then(AND WILL DENY WITH MY DYING BREATH THAT I DIDN"T LET HIM AND ONLY HIM EFFECT ME SO BADLY THAT I BROKE DOWN INTO TEARS...) and all my other stress- Health problems and depression that my grandma had and I was trying to ease, an incredibly LONG and IN DEPTH and BRUTAL session with a client that finally opened up and told me what gave him his severe PTSD. It's the first time that any client's session just put me into tears and think, 'Wow, that is THE most SINGLY FUCKED UP EVENT, THAT I HAVE EVER HEARD AND I REALLY WANT TO EMPATHIZE BUT I'VE NEVER WENT THROUGH ANYTHING THAT TRAUMATIC' and I was at a loss of how to truly be the gentle and understanding force that never voices opinion or personal beliefs, because I was completely OUTRAGED at it happening to him. Anyways, that session was by phone and was FIVE HOURS LONG of just all that pent up trauma finally breaking the dam and gushing forth.
SO YEAH! I WAS REALLY FUCKING STRESSED AT THAT MOMENT! But a hangup my grandmother always had that I adopted as my own view that Sympathy and Pity are the TWO MOST HORRIFYING THINGS that a person can feel for you... it's just unacceptable. And because I seriously felt at that moment, he would see me as weak, and I couldn't give him that ammo. and quietly excused myself to the den "for another cigarette" and bawled my eyes out.
I cleared off any trace of the cry fest, took a deep breath and went back in. At that point I was just more stressed and confused and really wanted him to go, so I could just be quiet and think.
I couldn't be sure though of what the situation really was. Was it really just my overly emotional tendancies, and hangups? OR Was he REALLY being that absolute jerk asshole that I make the victims in my murder mystery book?
Finally I sat out in the Den pretending that a client called and I would "Try to be as brief as possible" and instead smoked three cigarettes, called ANOTHER guy I was interested in to set up a second date- subconsciously I'd already made the decision that this would be the last night I would talk or see him... and then broke my inner decision to date this only one guy because he was so hopefully near to being the one that could be worth it...and cheered myself up.
I went back in and the t.v. and my computer was off. He was sitting upright in my bed, and had put on his shoes. I then apologized for the lengthy time but after all, just like he is on call for a computer crisis, I am an on call psychotherapist for my clients' crises. He sighed and looked at his watch and said it's okay he just needed to get home- It was late and he needed to get a good nights' rest"
I PUT ON MY BEST FUCKING PRETEND TO POUT MASK AND SAID, "Aww, no sleeping over and cuddling tonight? Okay, well given how the evening is going its probably a good idea to end now"
Then he says, "Uh-oh what did I do wrong?" AND GOD'S HONEST TRUTH LOOKED AT ME LIKE I'M HAVING P.M.S. and am gonna pull some bullshit emotional response out and not mean three days later...OMFG!!! HOW I HATE THE ARROGANCE OF MEN...first TO DENEGRATE OUR RIGHTS TO HAVE A GOOD REASON TO BE EMOTIONAL AND NOT ONLY DENY THEIR RESPONSIBILITY IN THE ACT BUT TO ASSUME THAT IT WAS SILLY AND THAT'S WHY WOMEN ARE WHAT THEY ARE...And like A FUCKING PASSING STORM IT WILL FADE AWAY AND I'LL EAGERLY BE BACK FOR MORE OF THEIR ABUSE!!!!
So, I told him gently but in a kind of honest way, I still had yet to sit and analyze the whole situation before I could actualize that, yeah, I did have a right to be angry and it's not just my sensitivity and emotions coming into control.
"I really don't know. But you said some hurtful things tonight, that hit a sensitive spot with me. But I really just would like the quiet time to assess the situation and see if I was just having an emotional and irrational hangup to an otherwise generally accepted teasing manner"
After that I told him I was sleeping all day and would get in contact with him another day.
Took time to actualize my anger and went on the dating site and posted a prose that was FUCKING MEAN, WITTY, AND EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO SAY ABOUT HIM AND WHAT HAPPENED. BUT... I honestly wasn't out to get revenge. So I left the journal completely vague-no real names or personally identifying info, and not his screenname on that site. IT WAS BOTH- a warning to any other guys who take the time to read the journals before contacting me...AND... if he got a little scared or curious and went over my profile again and saw the journal, it would tell him PRECISELY what I thought and in turn insulted him about. It was specific about the certain things that would, with out a doubt, let him know it's him I'm talking about.

THEN...Because my anger didn't fade. I had to post it. And have been sitting here going over every last thing to put in the, what I can only hope is, most realistic version of events that displayed both sides of the argument...but seriously I already decided to myself based on my personal beliefs and opinions... that I had a right to be angry.

BTW- Last thing...While I was writing this I got an email alert on my phone. It was to notify me that he contacted me and based on just the first line of the email I know he already read the journal and now he's back peddling and justify what he said...

HA HA HA FUCKER CHOKE ON THE MISSED CHANCE YOU HAD TO BE WITH THE VERY REAL DESCRIPTION OF THE GIRL YOU WANTED...
Peace!

Learning to eat to a healthier you...

Something curious I am trying to learn... I am trying to re-learn how to eat. I always had a fantastic body when I was younger and now I have a harder time to keep my weight stable, lose weight, and eat healthy.
I was on WeightWatchers, but that wasn't helping me, not only because I only did it online but I was breaking the limit levels of it's rules. Since then I have found an old book that my grandmother read and followed while she was trying to keep and maintain her weight and also get below the radar on her borderline disabetes.
The book's name is Fit For Life. I've read about seven chapters in it and it seems to make sense. It also makes me wonder about how I can keep my bipolar episodes down through food instead of medication. So I might be looking into a blog of a friend of mine's "Bipolar Gourmet"
She has really great recipes for losing weight.
As I am also going through this book I am mindful of what I was taught as a child.
That as long as you have the three staples to a healthy life you will never have torrentious problems to overcome. 1. being the mental part of your life, keep your mind active and you will be better adjusted to not only deal with problems in life but per chance the activities you choose in life. 2. Social part of life, as always they say to a bipolar that having a good support system is the way to a healthy recovery from the episodes when they bounce over you,
and 3. Eat a balanced diet. So you should have a triangle for life, never letting one aspect get over used than any other. I have mental down pat, social, well I've developed a habit to be more introverted but I have a good support system online. As well as my boyfriend, and Grandmother I think I have all social needs met. The one that is grossly over taken my life at this time is food.
I have fooled myself into thinking that I love my body the way it is, and that I shouldn't deny myself any food type pleasure to gain the "Vegas" type body. Well I definitely believe that any pleasure in life is good, gluttony of anything can be bad. Moderation is needed to maintain the balance.
So what have I learned from this book? So far, I've learned that we must balance our meals.
1. if eating a "concentrated" food, which they can be bad for our system in over indulgence; we must put a high concentrated food of water with it- mainly fresh fruits and vegetables
Well fruit should be eaten on an empty stomach cuz they need no ability to digest.
If we eat chicken, we should have a side of vegetables or salad with it.
2. We should be mindful of the bodies natural consumption, assimilation, and reduction times.
Consumption happens during the day, assimilation happens while we sleep, and usually, if our bodies are healthy our time to reduce what is in our bodies, the time to get rid of the bad elements our bodies couldn't digest is in the morning.
I have put all their "rules" down in to two easy steps. While it's taken seven chapters to read it all. Good thing I am a fast reader.
I don't know if this book will make me get on the wagon to lose weight but it certainly does teach better eating principles then say Weight Watchers does which only promotes eating for losing weight. This book propagates eating for healthier living and weight loss will HAPPEN.
Interesting policies anyways.... right?

Nature vs. Nurture- What makes a person Good or Bad...

Brief Essay on the topic of Morality- What makes a person good or bad
　
Many people believe in the half glass theory, They face the world as the glass is half full, Others think the glass is half empty. The same goes for the good and evil in a person. Some believe people are born basically good, just having a bad moment in life. Others believe in they are basically born evil and do good because of selfish purposes, to gain "God Points"( the belief that doing good deeds will counteract the bad and they'll have a chance at getting into Heaven. Then there are the believers of Nature vs. Nurture.
Nature vs. Nurture, in my opinion, is not a determing factor in basing a reason on why someone does the things they do.

I believe in Nature/ AND Nurture. Look at this way, people are like computers, born morally blank. THey have built in Hardware, a gene that makes them more likely to be violent, but some never become violent people. So the it falls on to what we instill in our children as they grow. Imagine it the software that's added on to the wired in hardware. Now if you fill their life with bad morals, and violence, teaching them to always be someone violent. Then the chances are more likely for them to be violent.

However, Playing Devil's Advocate here, there are people who have those genes, had the bad life, suffered the trauma, and yet they go in the opposite direction.
Ex: a child born in a dangerous part of town, a family of drug addiction, seeing violence all around him, and yet he grows up to be someone completely different than his family, than his upbringing.

The point is, there is no defining category for how people can be. To say one is born good, or to say born bad, is misleading. As I say a person is born a morally clean slate.
Their ability to process their software(using earlier analogy)
is different for each mind. We are all capable of great and terrible things.

Healthcare, "Birthers", Gates, And Race to Educate...

As I sit back today, with a cigarette, a Sailor Jerry's and cream soda(much better than Capt. Morgan's, stronger and has more of a vanilla flavor), and the sounds of Jason Mraz playing in my ears; I am angry, sad, enlightened, confused, and applauding, the turnaround of the day's events. I mean, mostly in politics, since I have taken great strides to have nothing happen in my life. Ahh... (Inhaling on cigarette,) where do I begin?
We'll start with Healthcare.
OMG PEOPLE!!! (and as I am saying this, I really mean Bluedog Democrats and Republicans) HOW COULD YOU NOT WANT A PUBLIC OPTION!!! First off, we don't want this to become a Government run program, but public option DOES NOT MEAN THAT!!! It means WE HAVE THE CHOICE, to either turn to a government run healthcare option that gives us a cap on the premiums, allows pre-existing conditions to be included(like Bipolar disorder), AND gives us a better chance at seeing the best doctors!!! NOT THAT IT'LL BE TOTALLY RUN AND RUN ONLY BY THE GOVERNMENT!!! WAKE UP AND STOP SEEING AS THIS AS A FIGHT!! Instead, see this as a resource, a time when US V. Them is not in play but taken out of the game completely!
Okay, onto the "BIRTHERS"....
*Sigh* Okay I have to dumb down my speech here for a second because I know your ignorance levels are that of a dog's....
1. Obama's STEPGRANDMOTHER LIED!!! She DIDN'T SEE HER GRANDSONS' BIRTH, she later came out and said She'd WANTED To see his birth. But her whole goal was to up the importance of an AFRICAAN being Pres. of the US then to show he wasn't a citizen.
2. "CERTIFICATE OF LIVE BIRTH" in Hawaii is the same as the Certificate of Live Birth as written on my CALIFORNIAN BIRTH CERTIFICATE... it doesn't mean he wasn't born in the U.S. only that it's termed differently.
3. ONLY IF HAWAII WAS A TERRITORY STILL WOULD WE BE REALLY ENTERTAINING THIS IDEA. But since a person born in the territories is STILL considered A U.S. Citizen then there is no worries. Only since my GRANDFATHER has lived there has it been a territory... which is BEFORE OBAMA'S BIRTH!!!
4. GOOGLE HIM!!!! GOOGLE OBAMA And you will SEE his birth certificate!!! HE REALLY IS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN...BORN AND BRED.
5. ONLY A GODDAMN RETARD WITH NO SENSE OF WHAT REALITY IS WOULD REALLY BELIEVE OBAMA IS NOT A CITIZEN...to all those Politicians who said, "I haven't seen evidence for or against his birth...".... LOOK IT UP!!! IT"S PUBLIC RECORD AND NOT A COST REALLY TO VIEW!!!
6. Again, And I have the right to call you morons, do I say that ONLY AN IDIOT WITHOUT AN EDUCATION... I'M TALKING SOME BACKWOODS FUCKING RE-RE-RETARD, WOULDN"T KNOW!!!

Phew! Okay, sorry but I can tolerate a lot but willful ignorance, and close minded conspiracy theorists I don't.

Gates. Oh boy! Where do I begin? Okay how bout this, YOU'RE NOT A TARGET OF RACIAL PROFILING IF YOU'RE WHITE AND TREATED THE SAME WAY( Which I was!!!, Yeah I was arrested for smart mouthing off to a cop!! BUT THEN AGAIN WHO ISN'T!!!) BUT IF YOU'RE BLACK...OH NO!!! YOU'VE BEEN DISCRIMINATED AGAINST. WHEN WILL "ALL" OF THE MINORITIES REALIZE THAT THEY ARE NOW THE MAJORITY AND NO ONE...NOT NO ONE NOT KNOW HOW, CAN TREAT THEM BADLY BECAUSE THEY ARE ABOVE AND BEYOND IN NUMBERS NOW.
YOUR PAST WAS HELL....WELL SO WAS MINE, SO GET OVER IT!!! I was gang raped by a group of black kids, yet I still give each individual the benefit of the doubt, knowing it was five particular teens that raped me, not the whole black race. Stop thinking the world revolves around you cuz you're different. I'm bipolar, you want to lay claim to that bomb??? GET OVER IT!!!

Race to Educate. A GREAT PROGRAM that pushes the school system to do better by raising the education levels and in turn they get better pay, and more government allowance... WAIT A MINUTE!!! OUR OWN NEVADA, and to the West CALIFORNIA WON'T DO THAT??? Well FUCK YOU THEN!!! You don't deserve the money, and May your students do their greatest but you get fucked over in monies.

*Sigh* Again I have said convtroversial stuff, and yes, I do welcome dissent. But if your comment is stupid, or a "Top That" statement, then I will delete you. If you are thought provoking and have truth behind it, then grudgingly, but yes, I will display it.
THank you for listening to MY OPINION. Yes that is what this is, my OPINION. We all got them, and TRUST ME, all of them stink!!!

A peek into a Manic Mind... my day of crazed rantings

An episode as it winds up or winds down, you decide. UGH!!! It seems that this last six month I've been heavy in the depressive area more than in manic mode. Yet, suddenly three things happened to change that, at least for this week. I recently added a widget to my blog and when seeing how it looked, I got sucked into reading what she wrote. She said that to that point she'd been describing it as a textbook would... and then I realized that though I've (in my mind and yes to whom I'm directing this to, I got your comment but there is everyone's different version of depression. My gma gets nasty with me and complains more when I know she's hitting it, and that's 95% of the time. My boyfriend just gets an upset stomach and spends the day w/indigestion...the symptoms described by you are the "accepted" characteristics, but not all people suffer that way. I was showing the characteristics of MY downward spiral) been keeping to the model of A bipolar, I wasn't showing you the inner mind of ME, the bipolar. Which, everyone thinks their unique but really are part of complex minor detailed profile of which all people fall into, however, on the stubborn need of myself to say, "I march to the beat of my own drum" I must say... I am not a typical bipolar.
I always knew there was something wrong with me, just in how I tried to interract with kids my age. I would say something, usually an observation I had into their driving wants and needs based on what they were expressing. Of course, I either got someone who was REALLY pissed off at my assessment, or looked at like I was the most disgusting THING under a microscope they were forced to look at. I began to recognize that look immediately and properly termed it, "THE LOOK" Of course adults loved me. Teachers used to try and get me to sit and talk with the students at lunchtime and not with them, but began to accept me there and talked to me as if I could comprehend even the most inner complexities of adulthood(which I never truly did til I became an adult) I was moved around from school to school so often that not only did I not learn the social skills to interact with others my age, but my schoolwork suffered a lot. This moving around was due to the fact that, I am a genetic Bipolar. I mean to say I inherited it from my mother, though she was never properly diagnosed, she had all the classic symptoms and used drugs and alcohol to self-medicate. This may sound awful but when you lived the life I did, you learn your ways to cope. So, my mother was not a very smart woman, nor strong in the mental sense. In other words, I was performing spell and grammar checks on my mothers letters to me when we were apart.(And if you see my fictional work, my grammar is the biggest criticism I get) She also had been raised in a bubble. Poor but happy parents that worked hard to give their daughters(yes, there was my Aunt, the oldest) the world so they never knew what it meant to go without. Or... that's how my Grandmother describes it to me...and we'll get more onto the subject of her later. TRUST ME... there is A LOT about my gma(short for grandma) that I know now that doesn't "vibe" with the story of my past and my mom's and aunt's childhood.
Anyways, I went off on a tangent here and now am back- My mother was a gifted singer, yes I inherited her talent but gave it up, well nevermind that... my mother(ACCORDING TO MY GMA) was studying to be an Opera Singer and met and married my father fresh out of H.S. and still dreaming her Donna Reed fantasy(this I know to be true, from what I saw of her decline)
My mother says she gave up Opera when she became pregnant with me(there's a lot of controversy on why/how I was conceived. Namely was it natural planning/or did my mom suspect my dad of distancing from her and got pregnant to further "trap" him. Something I am DEADLY OPPOSED TO) My Grandmother says my father "harassed" my mom into dropping Opera, it's this dream of singing for a living that further pushed her over the edge. My parents divorced two months after I was born, because... and don't ask how I got this info. but I have a sneaking suspicion my gma wanted to make me hate him... my father vehemently didn't want me. But the truth is my father is about a five second scene in the movie known as my life.
I remember him being weak, as I saw an argument he had with his mother when he was approx. 24(me, five, but don't quote me on it, I can't get a clear timeline of how things went in my life until I was 9-10) and she, A Hispanic woman who was the Matriarch of the family, told my grandfather(he'd been in a construction accident and was reduced to the mentality of Forest Gump, though I have no memory specific of him excepted for this situation I am describing now)
to whip him with the belt. I was definitely five, after that I was never in my father's care again. So I sat outside the door of the closed off room and listened to the sounds of an obvious whooping. Though later I do get that touching reunion with my father- over the phone- and ONLY after my mother died.
So!!! Back to the original story, my mother was the type of person who was used to praise, attention, and admiration being handed to her because of her beauty, easy social interractions, and of course her undeniable talent. We moved from city to city as my mom tried to get "noticed" for the big leagues. Okay, so just for a second let's take a look at the reality. I would have a steady job that gave me a flexible schedule to be able to make performances, I would put notice, in say the free magazine in Vegas that advertised bands looking for other people. Practice til we were insanely accurate. Then save up money for studio time, splurging on the exspensive producer and form of recording, choosing that kitchy song that made my voice sound perfect and would catch anyone's ear. You must agree that no matter what genre of music you listen to, there are those songs that are just...too good to keep you from saying, "I only listen to rap!"
So what did my mom do? Moved around the coast of Cali. getting waitressing jobs and trying out for lounge acts, or doing karaoke. At the same time, my mom had been introduced to Cocaine, Pot, Alcohol(in excess, I mean) and later the list of drugs grew and grew which I only know from educational classes and because I fell into the trap when I was a twenty-something(I still AM a twenty-something but haven't had anything since I was 25, just caffeine and cigarettes)
We moved to Las Vegas and she got a job as a bellhop at Caesar's Palace cuz she thought it would have her closer to what she vyed after. Which was the lounge act in the premier club in Caesar's back then(don't ask me what it was, I doubt it's still there or not significant enough to have been burned in my brain) but all that ended up happening was her doing coke to wake up and handle the day shift, and a toke or two and me giving her a back and foot massage(almost led me into that industry I became so good...only 65 yr.old men w/backacne and a hardon for me stopped that right quick) where'd she pass out on the couch and I go to bed setting an alarm to not only wake myself up for school, but to make sure mom was ready to go to work.
As my mother did more drugs she became less connected with reality, and when there were no drugs...she drank massive amounts of alcohol. I have had severe control over my life since I was ten because of her(when I was ten my life became stable as I lived in one household and travelled minimally) When she drank she went one of two ways- Crying...no not just the gentle sobs of the oppressed or depressed... DRUNK CRYING- snot coming outta your nose, puffy, bloodshot eyes that were hardly open, slurred speech that had spittle flying out dangerously close to your face and of course... THE SOBS. I FUCKING CAN'T STAND A DRUNK, CRYING PERSON TO THIS DAY... and unfortunately since moving back in with gma to help out, I heard it A LOT. Present situation assessment- I tried to tell her she was what was called an "Evening Alcoholic" and although I had read about that in a program during a seminar I attended intending to help you diagnose a drug user/abuser/and addict- but since I can't find the program(naturally) and any books or notes and EVEN THE AA WEBSITE, has NO LISTING for an Evening Alcoholic... but Grandma IS NEVER WRONG!!! I learned she will outright lie, to protect that SHE is RIGHT AND I AM NOT. Then turns on me and says I have to always be right. Usually at this point I am just saying "Whatever" anyways, *STOP*
FUCK! THis was to originally show that I am in manic mode today and have been for the last few days as I've put my computer literally back together...today is the first day it's been operational and I have had no one to unload on so of course the diaharrea flows from my mouth(high school nickname from one teacher...ok three)
Back. Just went in and against my schedule, took the mood stabalizer I take at night to do a super calmdown when I combine it with my sleep meds. But I went against the doctors prescription and took ANOTHER dosage of my anti-depressants that I usually only take two of once in the morning. But here's the thing. I have this internal clock that everything ticks off when is the best to do this and worse to do that. I am incredibly intune with my body(Oh and it's not a biological clock, it's called Circadian rhythm and everyone has one, you can predict your daily shits if you get this rhythm right) And most STABLE times in my life, I am right in rhythm. But, as my whole post was to start the point on was in one week three- well okay four because that's what sent me to the anger side of manic, so- four things happened.
1. My cellphone that I had become attached to began to no longer function properly. I suspect it got the same virus my computer did because almost in the same day they both ceased to function!!
Well I have insurance on my phone and called to get a replacement. They tried to tell me that they give only refurbished replacements. Okay so why would I buy a hard drive that had been used before...EVEN IF it had been formatted!!! NO WAY! So the Professional Ball Buster who never takes No(a cross between my gma's determination, my Aunt's ability to diplomatically sound bitchy, and my Uncles know how of charmingly argue your point) came out in me, and I told him that since Verizon(my previous cell carrier) charged the same monthly premium, the same deductible, and gave me a NEW PHONE. He quickly turned around and started looking for specifically MY new phone! I didn't want to admit to the girl in me, so first when given the array of colors I asked for blue- but the next blue one right off the press was a refurbished. He said I could wait til one came in but that never is my strong point(except w/children, mentally challenged, and computers-well ALL mechanical devices) so I said what colors had the new ones in. Fire red?? No way that says too much about me. I may talk LOUD, and A LOT, but my true self is quite safely disguised til I feel I have the upper hand. A quote my grandmother said my birth grandpa(mom's side) always said was, "Walk softly, and carry a big stick." So I decided any accessory that was going to be a "tell" in my poker face, was going to tell ONLY what I wanted to...and I chose PINK... the damn phone is the newest version of the style I chose, which would've been cool, only now I have a WHOLE NEW set of "thingies" to figure out.
My computer...well she was at the do or die stage. I couldn't live without it, literally.
I have to have something that connects me to the outside world and away from my grandma's poisoned path to ensure an early and painful death. IF I didn't have this computer... well, I am strong, mentally and emotionally. I HAVE admittedly(not to give me negative attention but on a comparison level of what I've heard from other trauma survivors. In fact there was only one guy who out traumatize survived than me, a legless man from Vietnam (not Lt.Dan, this guy was...not so cool) war time era. He and I had an easy friendship as long as I ignored his sexual advances) survived A LOT... or to date at least my fair share of life's - Alright STOP again. I stepped away, took a heavy stabilizer, waited awhile and came back.
Now you can see what happens in manic mode, or at least I can. Just random tangents of whatever my mind decides to obsess on. Anyways, I am calmer now and less willing to show more of crazed demon that I call my "dark side"
So...to all who are on the outside looking in,
I may not be every bipolar,
not even close to the one you know,
but the sad, stupid reality is that every response, action, reaction, and moods therein; at least true to me, is made up of random synapses misfiring or chemicals levels too low or too high.
AND I HATE THAT THAT IS THE TRUTH!!
Ugh.

Okay bloggers, got an ample amount of time on my hands as I am waiting a download of my fave artist program.
Anyways, I promised I would tell you about the most popular medication and the effects the disorder has on family.
First and foremost, you must realize that though I am talking about the different kinds of medications and how they affect you I am in NO WAY A DOCTOR. You should always consult your doctor. The extenet of my knowledge stems from the fact that I've spent ten years of trial and error with medications.
Okay, lets start with the anti-depressants. The most popular of all is of course Prozac- Now I tried this particular drug myself and it stopped working after six months. However, I know a lot of people who said it worked for them. In England, though, they had prozac banned and taken off the market. 1. Because doctors and the pharmacuetical companies were saying it was safe for pregnant women, and it's not!
And 2. They're have been more than 12 violence related cases with people taking prozac.
Next there is the anti-depressent I take now and it's called Cymbalta. Now one anti-depressent alone doesn't work for me. But it might for you, be sufficient. I've taken this one so long that I don't notice most of the side effects that are listed along with the prescription. But the most common, that have faded for me since then is: dry mouth, constipation, and itchy or runny nose. It's a great anti-depressent because it works on three levels. Most anti-depressents only focus on boosting seratonin levels. So the three things Cymbalta helps is BOTH seratonin and norapenphrine.(SP?) And it also helps ease the aches of the depression. Now it's NOT a pain killer but it works for minor aches and pains when depressed.
For me I have been a lot happier since on it and even when I do get depressed they are less then what it was like before.
A new drug that does the similar effects is PRISTIQ now I haven't taken it so there is really nothing I can except it's pharmacuetical name is close to another anti-depressent I am going to touch on, DOXEPIN
I take this one and it makes me so sleepy that I take it at night.
I have no clue as to what the side effects are, but since I am still on it you can bet the effects aren't that bad or lingering.
Now onto MOOD STABILIZERS
There are a few things you should know before dabbling into medication.
1. If you are bipolar it is MOST prudent to take Mood stabilizers as well as anti-depressents because you'll end up in manic mode 24/7
2. IT DOES make you feel groggy or like a zombie for the first few months of taking them, BUT STAY ON THEM BECAUSE IT WILL EASE UP LATER ON!!!
Alright the first mood stabilizer I am going to talk about is GEODON
Not many side effects but the fact that you feel really tired and groggy. Now if you're Manic bipolar then there is a good chance you are an insomniac as well as bipolar. This is true for me, I take Geodon at night and it makes me feel calmer and more at peace to sleep well.
The weird thing about Geodon is that it only works well when you eat something with fat in it half an hour after you take. It makes the meds. kick in 200%
Another type of mood stabilizer is LAMICTAL, which is another one I take but it's less severe in it's side effects because I take it in the morning. It's the just ever so slight of an edge to take the mania at bay.
When discussing with your doctor on the dosaging of ANY med. is to remember that some may need to be heavier and some may need to be lighter, but you again are at the mercy of trial and error. And just because I may take 200mg you might not. Since even though I may be smaller then you I've taken medications for a long time and have become dulled to the effects of any med.
Another mood stabilizer is ABILIFY. Now the great thing about this medication is that more than mood stabilizer, it also works the best with some anti-depressents, like: Prozac, Effexor, and a lot of others. Unfortunately it didn't work for me and the resulting effect was that after 6mo. it no longer worked.
NOW, THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT!!! EVEN THOUGH MOST DOCTORS WILL TRY TO START YOU OFF WITH LITHIUM YOU NEED TO SEVERELY RESEARCH THE EFFECTS AND WEIGH THE PROS AND CONS OF THE DRUG.
It gave me or at least helped to give me thyroid cancer. Not only that, but it really DOES fuck you up and make you a zombie like individual.. AND THE EFFECTS DO NOT GO AWAY.

Now if you need to take the edge off of an episode, instead of resorting to drugs, you can just pop a 25mg of Benadryl. It takes only a short time to be digested and it really calms you.
For my last mood stabilizer I'll be talking about is Seroquel. This one I also take but it's meant for me as a more fast acting and heavier calm down then what I can get from Benadryl.
OKAY, ONE MORE WARNING!!!

IT IS NOT A SMART IDEA TO MIX DRUGS AND ALCOHOL WITH YOUR MEDS. The least it would do is to make you throw up, the worst is it will cause you to blackout and vomit(not necessarily in that order)

IT IS ALSO NOT COOL TO CHANGE YOUR MEDS WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT WITH YOUR DOCTOR FIRST, AND
NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE YOUR MEDS TO SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS NOT PRESCRIBED THAT SAME MED AND DOSAGE AND
AND DO NOT TAKE THEIRS.

I did promise to talk to you about the effect our disorder has on the family. Its tough for them REALLY REALLY TOUGH, they have to deal with someone who at the very least screams and yells when in manic mode and at the most is breaking things or even worse hitting your loved ones. BUT ABOVE ALL PLEASE ALSO REMEMBER:

YOUR PARENTS WILL BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO AND ACT LIKE ON YOUR DISORDER. It's not cool, we as bipolars have a right sometimes to be angry, or cheerful and happy... WITHOUT IT GOING TO AN EPISODE. It's my biggest fight with my remaining family members is to treat me like I am normal. I will notice if I start to slip into an episode and will take the precautions to correct it.

Make sure you are calm and firm in your resolve when you go to talk to your parents about any aspect of your disorder. Try saying things like, this is a debilitating disorder for both of us. I am working on to find the best meds to work but until then I will be up and down and need your support.

In fact the most important thing you need is a positive support group and things you can do to distract you from your depression when it hits. A great one is Journaling or Blogging. Just writing down how you feel will often times lift the mood. But the best is to have an understanding and supportive group surrounding you.

I think I have sufficiently described to you The major points of Bipolar disorder. From this point on as I continue to blog I will write in new points I've learned from research or the community

THANKS FOR FOLLOWING!!