Turning a New Chapter in my Life...Again...AND SPECTOR WTF YOU THINKING???WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT"S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE???

Well you know me, or for the people reading this, you don't but it seemed like a great openerl. Anyways I am not one to put up with someone elses head trips for very long, and I bounce back quick. Poor schmuch didn't know that while we were dating there were eleven other guys vying for my attention. I knew on Friday when he ignored me that things were going South. That night I felt ignored and lost, so I took one of the guys up on his offer to go out on a date. I didn't sleep with him cuz technically I was still with Anthony. But it did cheer me up and make me feel good that at least somebody wanted to be around my company. That I wasn't a leper to him. The date went great but then Anthony pulled his headtrips again and actually tried to blame them on me(see previous blog to understand full story) I was actually blaning myself for them at the time. Like I really was the person tripping out. Til I told the whole story to another guy I knew, and he said that he thought that Anthony was the one acting like the teenage drama queen. So I've ignored his texts, sent him a nasty email, flagged him on OKC, and wrote a scathing journal on OKC about a number of guys who were writing false things about themselves on their profile to allure chicks in then pull the same bullshit on them. And of course I included Anthony's profile. But there have been so many guy's that have lied and all about different shit. One guy said he wanted a long term commitment and even went so far as to say I was the one but when I wouldn't "Put out" he never called me again. Then ther was the guy who put on his profile about how successful he was an owned his own house. Forgot to mention he lived with four other guys all in their early twenties and he's like 31 without a job OR A CAR I might add. We spent a boring day getting on each others nerves and he never calls for like three months and then shows up today asking why I never talk to him anymore. Then there is the psycho stalker from Amsterdam who after talking on email for a week and I realize he lives in another continent I give up talking to him realizing it's never going to work out but he demands I start to say I am HIS DIRTY GIRL...AS IF!! I belong to NO ONE and certainly am not anyone's DIRTY GIRL
Then there is Anthony, Says he is Straight Forward, Honest, And forthright, yet he never talked to me without me talking to him first. Gave vague replies when asked about anything, and became overly defensive when I asked why he didn't respond to any of my texts or calls for two days. Hmmmm, Yeah these are real winning guys I guess.

On a political note... WHAT THE FUCK SPECTOR....Did you fall on your head and forget what peace of reconciliation process you yourself once did to negoiate in peaceful process???
SIGH Mean are stupid for the most part(BUT NOT ALL MEN, PLEASE READ THIS AND KNOW WHO YOU ARE, JUST A LARGE MAJORITY OF THE PLANET ARE IDIOTS AND YOU"LL BE THE ONES TO GET OFFENDED BY THIS STATEMENT!! )

Sweeping into a real deep Depression, even if its over a stupid guy...

I thought I was over getting all worked up over men. Especially after I left the last one alone. Apparently it wasn't just the last one, it's either all guys that work me up...or maybe it is just me. I'm fairly certain it's me. A little over a week ago, I met a guy online(yes, online) at the dating site I'm on and he seemed damn near perfect for me. He initiated the contact after he saw I was caring for my Grandmother, he too, was caring for members of his family and liked that I was family oriented. So we met and connected well. We had great conversation and great sex(that's important too) we shared common goals and morals. There seemed to be only one drawback, he worked, a lot. So we kept in contact nearly everyday by text message. We laughed and flirted and talked all the time and so it seemed to go very well. Time went by and I started to get antsy and wanted to see him again. His days off were Thursday and Friday. Thursday, he had to work but we were supposed to see each other Friday. So We talked Friday in the afternoon and the last thing he said was, in response to me saying "Will you be able to see me?" "Def. I'm gonna take a nap and I'll see you later" that was the last I heard from him that day. I called around, I think five or six, thinking he'd gotten enough sleep. It rang a couple times, sounded like it picked up and then hung up. So I tried back and it rang a couple times then was sent to voicemail. So I left it alone and went about doing other stuff, thought nothing of it. A couple hours later I sent him a text and got no response, went back about thirty minutes later and called him it rang about four times and was sent to voicemail again. Still thought nothing of it and got on the internet. Then about nine p.m. I called again and it rang once and was sent to voicemail. I started to get suspicious by then especially when it had rang more than once earlier before getting sent to voicemail. But still, I tried to remain openminded because I knew some people (like me) could hit the ignore button or end button in their sleep and automatically send someone to voicemail without waking up. Well I tried one more time at ten p.m. and it rang twice then went to voicemail. I stopped trying after that. The next day he said he'd slept all day and went to work that night but I didn't get it, I mean if he went to work wouldn't he have answered my texts or called me? I mean the last voicemail AND text I left said I was pulling an all nighter so he could call or text me at anytime and he never did til the next day! But he swore that was all that happened. But that day I logged on to the dating site I met him on it said he'd logged on right after he'd texted me to say he was going to nap! I let it go, but then today I logged on to answer the messages I'd not answered that day(yeah I'll admit that day I was checking up on him but by that time it was nine p.m. and I was suspicious) and so I thought I'd check up on him(yeah I was still suspicious) and it'd said he had logged on this morning right after he'd supposedly just gotten off work...okay so I confront him with it. I said I don't know if I even had the right to be angry, I didn't know what to feel. Now he just(we're in the middle of the argument) acted like psychology says a classically guilty person does, acts overly defensive. But I can't say he is exactly because when I am confronted I get overly defensive and he is a lot like me... but the frustrating thing is when I first told him about this he was busy and took time to answer and I tried to turn to my friends, they all said they were going to bed or...said sorry Just got you're message and I have to go hope all is well talk to you later! (All I said was 'Can you talk?'). And even though I've stayed calm and tried to make him see he just "LMAO" and called me a high schooler. Well stay tuned, hopefully my next blog will have something happier.

Anxiety, Depression and Apathy...And what about those TEABAGGERS??

It seems that lately I have been struggling more with apathy, anxiety and depression. Apathy to do anything of really substance in my life at the moment, Anxiety about where I am going and what will become of me if I finally manage to accomplish my dream, and depression...well depression just seems to follow the other two. I am hoping that I will conquer these feelings today and end up making something of my book.
For those of you who don't know, I am writing a book. I've been working on it since last year and it seems that this third draft is the one that is going to work. I have an ear to lay most of my work on by the Published Horror writer that has taken an interest in my work. Lately I have only heard praise from him, which troubles me but I did get a lot of constructive advice from him in the beginning to really help me shape my story.
Right now I am really in a tangle with my writing, wanting to keep all the original chapters in the book but having to incorporate new chapters as my book wasn't long enough. This having to write new chapters has forced me to take my book to another direction and ended up creating tangles of twisted plots and mini plots. So now I think I am going to have to pretty much scrap the original plot and redesign the story to fit my new path of thought. I am hoping to get to working on what is now the sixth chapter in my book today. I don't know right now though because I feel the ebbs and flows of depression and anxiety wearing on me. Maybe I just need more caffeine.

Now onto my politics rant for the day, TEABAGGERS. It confuses me as someone commented on one of my other journals that both sides will seek to tax and cut to their overall party. Neither is different from the other in that they have certain departments and income levels they tax and spend the most money for. But that is for another blog altogether. As I've noticed lately there is a growing group of people who are against the taxes that have been helping to stimulate the economy and help the lower classes gain an edge. It seems unfair that those who have the money are too stingy to help those who do not have money, to grow. I admit that the teabaggers strike is neat and cool, especially since we're seeing a revolt akin to the real Tea throwing party of 1700's. The sad thing is, is that in most democratic societies the rich believe it is their DUTY to support growth programs that stimulate help for the under privileged. Here though I see the upper middle class, mortgaged, debted on credit to the max, and have not thought forward to the paying back of those debts. Now they're complaining because they have those things that they decided not to pay cash for, have the ability to pay the debts they've racked up and still manage their finances, but yet they don't want to help those that NEED money the most!
It reminds me of a puzzle I once read long ago.

What do rich people need,
that the poor have tons of?
-NOTHING!!
I don't know I haven't been following the politics movement as much as I did when the Presidential race was on and in the first month of Obama's reign.
As always I look forward to opinions and comments from all sides of the debate as I feel this is the only way to show the entire picture of this seemingly hot topic!

WHO ARE WE TO DENY THE RIGHTS OF MARRIAGE...A Rant on Gays, Lesbians, and Trans...

I will start with the politics that I am viewing in my life around me. One, and mainly is, 'SHOULD GAY MARRIAGE BE LEGAL?' In my opinion yes! Why should we discriminate on someone's choice of partners? Where does it say in the NEW TESTAMENT that gays and lesbian are wrong and shall be condemned to Hell? I remember it quite vividly in the Old Testament as I was raised Lutheran and was a staunch one at that, when I was younger. But even at age fourteen when I thought I was against abortion for most reasons, and believed in creationism, I still never thought that Gays, Lesbians or Trans should ever be denied the right to marry or be allowed to worship under the same roof as I did. This is one of the fundamental arguments I had with my religion at 17 that made my decision to turn to another religion for guidance and support. I went through theology studying all forms of religion, and as a child even in our parochial school, they taught us about most major forms of religion. Only one has ever said that it didn't matter what your sexual orientation was, that was of course Wicca. But they too were so steeped in ritual and preformed beliefs that pushed themselves onto others that I strayed even from that one.
Onto another note, I have met Gays and Lesbians and Trans that said they chose to be the way they were and I say that is their choice. Is it my choice to be a Lesbian? No. But should I deny them their choice, especially in this Country of the FREE??? NO!!! I have also met Gays and Lesbians and Trans, that say they were born this way, that always they had felt a pull to that side of the romantic road. They would tell me of the shame and stigma they felt when trying to deal with society and would pray to be "normal"(Which in my opinion is overrated and can no longer be identified) so that their parents would not look at them with disappointment. Or that they could be free to say who they are in the military without being kicked out. There are many who choose this way but there are just as many who were BORN this way!! Why would God, a vindictive, arrogant and narrowminded God albeit, allow such genetics to be born and bred but say they are Hellbound? No, I don't buy that at all. There is nothing wrong with them, theirs is not a mutation, or some demon sin brought upon their heads from womb. Theirs is simply an alternate view born out of genetics that led them to be this way.
Moving on, I abhore CALIFORNIA'S choiced of Prop. 8, a state I once regarded as open minded and free thinking as the city of Las Vegas. Better even because they were more ecologically minded, health minded, and full of Hollywood Stars that had a foot in the door to opening the world to much better views and lifes.
I cannot understand why a State with the most largely populated Gay and Lesbian city(San Francisco) would be the first to deny such rights to people who are as kind and caring and in most part MORE kind and caring to their partners be denied a basic right. The right to be coupled together as the same as any other couple. MARRIAGE IS NO LONGER A RELIGIOUS RIGHT, it is a sacred pact backed by the government. My parents were married in a civil ceremony in a court of Law. Now I doubt highly that any Gays or Lesbians are asking religions to turn a blind eye to their religious beliefs and allow them to marry in their church, they are simply asking for a title. A title in my mind that makes most people, miserable, hateful, and domineering towards one another in the long run. Why it used to be against religious decree to DIVORCE. Now 50% of all married couples end in divorce. WHY NOT ALLOW ANY DECENT GAY AND LESBIAN THE SAME RIGHT TO MISERY AS ANY OTHER MALE/FEMALE UNION???
Continuing on in my diatribe is the judgement of whether or not Gays and Lesbians should be allowed to have children, adopt children, or be foster parents. The denial of this right or voiced opinions against this right based on the fact that they'll somehow "TURN" the children into "Gays" is WRONG!!! I have not lived in Las Vegas my whole life but I did live here when I was five, before moving back to California. And my mother worked Hellish hours at Caesar's Palace as a bellhop. She had, at first, had a teenage boy watching me and two other children for our hours after school. He introduced us to PORN, POT SMOKING, and OTHER ILLEGAL forms of entertainment by having groups of friends over and participating in these activities while we were supposed to be "napping" in our room. We, of course, snuck down the hallway to peek out into the den and see the fornications on t.v., smell the funny smoke, and listen to horrible jokes that belittled women. Eventually I told my mother about these things. She pulled me from his care, but my NEXT BABYSITTER. Was a Transvestite looking to go through the waiting period to become a woman. She was beautiful and sweet. Treated us like we were her own babies and never said a bad word, subject us to bad television, and never made us nap for hours on end while she did illegal drugs. She was a great babysitter and a great homework helper. When my mother decided to move back to CA. I begged her to take Shiree with us because I loved her so much. But of course, I didn't understand that she had her own life to tend to as well. I've never forgotten that woman nor the care she showed us while we under her care.
THIS NARROWMINDED BIAS OF WHO GAYS, LESBIANS, AND TRANS ARE HAS GOT TO STOP!!! Now is the time to rise up Youth of today, just as we did to elect Obama President, We must also voice our disgust at the older generations for their one sided damnation of people who can be just as wonderful if not even MORE SO then we as so called "righteous Straights". IT IS ARROGANCE, to think for even one second that WE ARE THE ONES TO INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD!!! All Jesus ever asked us to do,(FOR THOSE WHO FOLLOW THE NEW TESTAMENT) was love!! LOVE AND FORGIVE!!!! And after my dealings with those of alternate sexual orientation, I SAY THEY DO THE BEST WORKS OF JESUS!!!
They love each other and forgive us for our stupidity. In return they ask only for acceptance as WORTHY HUMAN BEINGS...IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR???
I SAY NO!!!!
Phew! Okay so now I have ranted about my beliefs on what I consider to be a hot topic. And I thank you if you have read this. Feel free to leave any kind of comment you want, whether is pro or con my argument I will listen, and post! AMERICA WAS FOUNDED ON THE RIGHTS OF THE FREE TO BE WHO THEY WANT TO BE AND TO DO AS THEY WANT, SO WHO AM I TO DENY YOUR RIGHT TO COMMENT?? I only hope, that some of my rantings were read by someone who once viewed differently and are enlightened by my article.
Thank you.