Second attempt. I thought that I would never have a day that would be traumatic or or rollercoaster. But then the full moon hit. I had had at least three months or the entire time and then some without a single episode or upset that interupted my life. But from the term lunatic came LES TIC DE LAS LUNA=LUNATIC there is an actual correlation between the flucatuation between the rising of the ocean tides and the water in our bodies. I don't know if that's really true. But my psychiatrist once told me about it. Since then I've been seeing full moons. Meaning everytime I freak out or have a "crazy day" it just happens to ALSO be a full moon. Coincidence? Planted suggestion? Or real fact? Who knows. But last night I was so busy, with working on my novel, helping other people with their problems and building resumes, not to mention search for available grants and scholarship, that I actually spaced out my nighttime meds. and suddenly it was 5a.m. and it was too late to take them. I mean if I took them then, I would sleep all day, then be wired for my date that night(getting to that in a minute) and then be all night, throwing off my whole schedule. WHICH right now, I have just Given up CIGARETTES!!! HOORAY FOR ME!!! RIGHT?!?! Well apparently, last week on Wednesday, when my grandmother and I were supposed to quit together...SHE JUST BACKED OUT...last second!!! And the whole point was us to quit together so the other wouldn't go through hell like last time smelling the smoke or watching them smoke, or being crabby because we couldn't smoke and the other could. Besides we were going to support each other. OH! You better BELIEVE I was pissed that she backed out!! And she just acted like I should be okay with it! And she is telling me this while she is SMOKING!!!! I would be a little more okay with it, if she wasn't being the BIGGEST hyppocrite and blowing the damn smoke in my face practically! It just went downhill from there.
I went onto this dating site, one that a friend of mine recommended to me, he'd met his FIANCE on there!! Was moving to San Diego, and the funny thing was this guy was TOTALLY WORK FOCUSED...suddenly she is all he can talk about! I was impressed, so when I felt I was ready to date again(like I was no longer going to attract the same guy over and over again, the insensitive asshole...) I went on there and signed up. I was FLOODED WITH MAIL from all kinds of guys, mostly ones I DID NOT want to reply to. But I met a guy who came across as cocky, and full of himself, and like he was good at everything, he just...well seemed like the old type of guy I kept attracting but on this site we were a high match. So I gave a haughty response to his email. And well he answered back with a surprising and well thought out answer, well OF COURSE my main atttraction was Intelligence,(and he wasn't bad to look at, in fact he was damn good looking, damn it all to hell. Trust me it would've been easier if he was ugly) and this guy had it in spades!
So I agreed to meet him feeling I was doomed to repeat my old relationships over and over again. So we met, and really... he was NOTHING like his braggert profile claimed. HE was smart, funny, artistic, and everything that was basically there but no asshole, no cocksure jackass that thought he was a player, instead he was a thoughtful, nice, POLITE!!!, and sweet guy. We started dating...and that's where the problems began. Now I was stupid REALLY STUPID, to think I was the only girl he was dating. I mean I was dating other guys...but, well I was being ...more....open with him than others, I gave him certain parts of me, and things I could do that none of the others got. And I never really thought anything of it. Til I was in his guest bathroom and I blew my nose and tossed it into his garbage and I saw THEM it was the WOST THING that I COULD'VE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE!!! Here I had thought I had met my....other, my well we'll say Mate, my guy for maybe all times. I don't know but I could see myself for being with him definitely for longer then three years. But I looked into the garbage and saw A Couple Of CONDOMS... and well STUPIDLY I thought we were only sleeping with each other and well...(yeah I know I'm a tool) I didn't ask him to use a condom. So I swallowed back my tears, and sat down on his couch and laughed and said, are you dating others while we're dating? He didn't even turn to face me, he said Yeah then turned and asked why. I said I saw the condoms in his garbage, and then quickly said I don't know why I didn't think of it, I mean I'm dating other guys too. But I didn't tell them I hadn't slept with any of them. But after that, I slept with two of them, WITH CONDOMS ON...sad thing is, I HAD TO FAKE IT ALL THE WAY. One guy even started to treat me like my old boyfriend, asked me if I was his little slut, and put his hand around my thraot, I grabbed his hand and shoved it down til it smacked him in the face and said don't. pretended to cum and got off him, he said he didn't finish and I said I lost my taste, and I left on the bus. Been ignoring his calls and texts, as well as others that are just hard up jackasses basic sex crazed jerks. Anyways, on Sunday my sweetheart, he is really is, brought me a thoughtful gift that no one else could ever match. But once in a conversation I had mentioned a book of Tupac Shakur's that I loved it was all of his poetry and some of his songs in rough draft. Yeah I liked Tupac, but that book moved me as I read it. I went to buy it but didn't have enough money on me at the time to pay for it at the time, so I put it back and went back another time, searched everywhere and couldn't find it. Searched in three more bookstores,...no luck. I told this all to my sweetie, and then out of the blue, he shows up with that book on Sunday. The thoughtfulness of that book overwhelmed me. But it still made me want to cry. Because my insecurities munched at the edge of my mind, eating each cell away causing the inevitable insanity to later set in. But each little voice would in turn say, "what if the others, fuck better, or he's a player in disguise? Remember how long Cory hid himself from you? Does "J" really tell you what is on his mind, in his heart? Does he tell you things all the time? Where my brain protests, He says my eyes are like crack, my...but I couldn't keep going those nasty little voices were faster, louder, and just thinking of mean things are easier than remembering nice things, "All those girls, and each one far more normal than you. What would he want a fucked up little thing like you?" But m last thought was of course the book. and that kept them away
Til today. I couldn't help but think while he would sit as available to chat but was unable to, was he chatting to anyo of them? did he tell them sweet things like me? Did he buy them gifts too?
Did they give him what I gave him only more freely? What if what I gave himwasn't something to be treasursed but only second or third best to what he is getting from someone else.
And later on when we're together and my stomach is making me nauseous because of the thought that wher I am kissing him maybe three other girls at least are have kissed too, and I mentioned us going to this bar for the burgers, he swears he idn't and I must have him confused with someone else, I got confused, I could've sworn it was him. Well anyways, later on I tried to remind him the last time that we had sex twice in a night, again he denied it, trying to pull the whole musti've been one of the other guys you've slept with. EXCEPT, I'VE ONLY SLEPT WITH YOU! And HAD TWO VERY REGRETTABLE NIGHTS THAT MADE ME HATE MYSELF ONLY BECAUSE I DIDN"T WANT YOU TO JUST LEAVE ME IN A HEARTBEAT FOR SOMEONE BETTER THEN ME... I just wanted to know that what I have, who I am , is good enough for the guy that I consider the greatest...but he's not ready to settle down, and I know if I keep pushing him. I'll loose him but If I hold on any longer....I am I don't know what. I am just gonna cry for a long time and will fall back into my sullen I hate men routine because it took a long time to find this guy and knowing my luck. I'll suddenly get diagnosed with deadly brain cancer and will die, or He'll say I'm too obsessed or something. Or weird,, or crazy.
But ALL IKNOW IS NOW I AM HOPING THAT SLEEP COMES SOON AND FAST TO TONIGHT!!!
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